History

A little history leson for those who enjoy history.
Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, sir."
Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer.What's the meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his duty,regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability"."What gobbledygook is this?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunitiesemployer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lestit be considered racist."
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-freeworking environments."
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of theGovernment's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on withit....full speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in thisstretch of water."
Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle inhistory. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir." Nelson: "What?"Hardy: "Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness.And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone upthere until proper scaffolding can be erected."
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle,Admiral."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-freeenvironment for the differently abled."
Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuseeven to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing thedisability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under- represented inthe areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't letthe crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing intoo much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell themen to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny."
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of beingcharged withmurder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aidlawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partnersnow.According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in thisstretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you sayingthat sir.You'll be up on disciplinary."
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of yourKing."
Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multiculturalage. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"
Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum,sodomy and the lash?"
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban oncorporal punishment."
Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir.