Nill illigitimi carborundum

YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN IN UNIVERSITY TOO LONG WHEN...

2007-04-07T22:56:00.000+01:00

You actually like doing laundry at home where the washing
machines work.

Two miles is not too far to walk for a party.

You'd rather clean than study especially if an essay is due.

"Oh shit how did it get so late!" comes out of your mouth at
least once a night.

Parents' cooking becomes something you desire, not avoid.

You schedule your classes around sleep habits and soap operas
especially neighbours and Hollyoaks.

You know the pizza boy by name and don't even need to read the
menu.

You go to sleep when it's light and get up when it's dark.

You live for getting mail.

Looking out the window is a form of entertainment.

Prank phone calls become funny again.

You start thinking and sounding like your friends and your
accent becomes a hybrid of West Country, Surrey and general
Northern.

Highlighters are the coolest things on earth.

Rearranging your room is your favourite pastime.

Rubbish cheap £1 shops are so cool.

The weekend lasts from Thursday to Monday.

BEFORE I CAME TO UNIVERSITY, I WISH I HAD KNOWN...

That it didn't matter how late my first lecture was, I'd still sleep
through it.

That I could change so much and barely realize it.

That you can love a lot of people in a lot of different ways.

No matter how 'cool' you were in school, no one here cares.

That if you wear polyester everyone will ask why you are so
dressed up.

That every clock on campus shows a different time.

That if you got good a-levels, so what? It doesn't matter here.

That I would go to a party the night before an exam or essay
due-date.

That you can know everything and fail a test.

That you can know nothing and ace a test.

That I could get used to almost anything found out about my
friends.

That most of my education would be obtained outside of lectures.

That friendship is more than getting drunk together but that's
still funny......!

That Sunday is a figment of the world's imagination.

That Psychology is really Biology, that Biology is really
Chemistry, that Chemistry is really Physics and that Physics is
really Maths.

That my parents would become so much smarter in the last few
years.

That it's possible to be alone even when you are surrounded by
friends.

Don't be dismayed at good-byes, a farewell is necessary before
we can meet again, and meeting again, after moments or a
lifetime, is certain for those who are friends.
TOP 10 REASONS THAT UNIVERSITY IS LIKE PRIMARY SCHOOL

10. You cry for your mother.
9. You cross the street without looking for cars.
8. Snack time is a necessity.
7. You bundle up for the outdoors without caring what you look
like (because everyone else looks as stupid as you do).
6. You stay at home and play games with your friends.
5. You wear your backpack on both shoulders.
4. You wear big mittens.
3. Playing in the snow is a legitimate activity.
2. You take naps.
1. You look forward to cheese toasties.

Stolen

2007-03-25T18:24:00.000+01:00

Openly stolen, the worse joke in the world. Courtesy of Speedy Reedy.

So, there’s a man crawling through the desert.

He’d decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a big rock, and then he couldn’t get it started again. There were no cell phone towers anywhere near, so his cell phone was useless. He had no family, his parents had died a few years before in an auto accident, and his few friends had no idea he was out here.

He stayed with the car for a day or so, but his one bottle of water ran out and he was getting thirsty. He thought maybe he knew the direction back, now that he’d paid attention to the sun and thought he’d figured out which way was north, so he decided to start walking. He figured he only had to go about 30 miles or so and he’d be back to the small town he’d gotten gas in last.

He thinks about walking at night to avoid the heat and sun, but based upon how dark it actually was the night before, and given that he has no flashlight, he’s afraid that he’ll break a leg or step on a rattlesnake. So, he puts on some sun block, puts the rest in his pocket for reapplication later, brings an umbrella he’d had in the back of the SUV with him to give him a little shade, pours the windshield wiper fluid into his water bottle in case he gets that desperate, brings his pocket knife in case he finds a cactus that looks like it might have water in it, and heads out in the direction he thinks is right.

He walks for the entire day. By the end of the day he’s really thirsty. He’s been sweating all day, and his lips are starting to crack. He’s reapplied the sunblock twice, and tried to stay under the umbrella, but he still feels sunburned. The windshield wiper fluid sloshing in the bottle in his pocket is really getting tempting now. He knows that it’s mainly water and some ethanol and colouring, but he also knows that they add some kind of poison to it to keep people from drinking it. He wonders what the poison is, and whether the poison would be worse than dying of thirst.

He pushes on, trying to get to that small town before dark.

By the end of the day he starts getting worried. He figures he’s been walking at least 3 miles an hour, according to his watch for over 10 hours. That means that if his estimate was right that he should be close to the town. But he doesn’t recognise any of this. He had to cross a dry creek bed a mile or two back, and he doesn’t remember coming through it in the SUV. He figures that maybe he got his direction off just a little and that the dry creek bed was just off to one side of his path. He tells himself that he’s close, and that after dark he’ll start seeing the town lights over one of these hills, and that’ll be all he needs.

As it gets dim enough that he starts stumbling over small rocks and things, he finds a spot and sits down to wait for full dark and the town lights. Full dark comes before he knows it. He must have dozed off. He stands back up and turns all the way around. He sees nothing but stars.

He wakes up the next morning feeling absolutely lousy. His eyes are gummy and his mouth and nose feel like they’re full of sand. He so thirsty that he can’t even swallow. He barely got any sleep because it was so cold. He’d forgotten how cold it got at night in the desert and hadn’t noticed it the night before because he’d been in his car.

He knows the Rule of Threes - three minutes without air, three days without water, three weeks without food - then you die. Some people can make it a little longer, in the best situations. But the desert heat and having to walk and sweat isn’t the best situation to be without water. He figures, unless he finds water, this is his last day.

He rinses his mouth out with a little of the windshield wiper fluid. He waits a while after spitting that little bit out, to see if his mouth goes numb, or he feels dizzy or something. Has his mouth gone numb? Is it just in his mind? He’s not sure. He’ll go a little farther, and if he still doesn’t find water, he’ll try drinking some of the fluid.

Then he has to face his next, harder question - which way does he go from here? Does he keep walking the same way he was yesterday (assuming that he still knows which way that is), or does he try a new direction? He has no idea what to do.

Looking at the hills and dunes around him, he thinks he knows the direction he was heading before. Just going by a feeling, he points himself somewhat to the left of that, and starts walking.

As he walks, the day starts heating up. The desert, too cold just a couple of hours before, soon becomes an oven again. He sweats a little at first, and then stops. He starts getting worried at that - when you stop sweating he knows that means you’re in trouble - usually right before heat stroke.

He decides that it’s time to try the windshield wiper fluid. He can’t wait any longer - if he passes out, he’s dead. He stops in the shade of a large rock, takes the bottle out, opens it, and takes a mouthful. He slowly swallows it, making it last as long as he can. It feels so good in his dry and cracked throat that he doesn’t even care about the nasty taste. He takes another mouthful, and makes it last too. Slowly, he drinks half the bottle. He figures that since he’s drinking it, he might as well drink enough to make some difference and keep himself from passing out.

He’s quit worrying about the denaturing of the wiper fluid. If it kills him, it kills him - if he didn’t drink it, he’d die anyway. Besides, he’s pretty sure that whatever substance they denature the fluid with is just designed to make you sick - their way of keeping winos from buying cheap wiper fluid for the ethanol content. He can handle throwing up, if it comes to that.

He walks. He walks in the hot, dry, windless desert. Sand, rocks, hills, dunes, the occasional scrawny cactus or dried bush. No sign of water. Sometimes he’ll see a little movement to one side or the other, but whatever moved is usually gone before he can focus his eyes on it. Probably birds, lizards, or mice. Maybe snakes, though they usually move more at night. He’s careful to stay away from the movements.

After a while, he begins to stagger. He’s not sure if it’s fatigue, heat stroke finally catching him, or maybe he was wrong and the denaturing of the wiper fluid was worse than he thought. He tries to steady himself, and keep going.

After more walking, he comes to a large stretch of sand. This is good! He knows he passed over a stretch of sand in the SUV - he remembers doing donuts in it. Or at least he thinks he remembers it - he’s getting woozy enough and tired enough that he’s not sure what he remembers any more or if he’s hallucinating. But he thinks he remembers it. So he heads off into it, trying to get to the other side, hoping that it gets him closer to the town.

He was heading for a town, wasn’t he? He thinks he was. He isn’t sure any more. He’s not even sure how long he’s been walking any more. Is it still morning? Or has it moved into afternoon and the sun is going down again? It must be afternoon - it seems like it’s been too long since he started out.

He walks through the sand.

After a while, he comes to a big dune in the sand. This is bad. He doesn’t remember any dunes when driving over the sand in his SUV. Or at least he doesn’t think he remembers any. This is bad.

But, he has no other direction to go. Too late to turn back now. He figures that he’ll get to the top of the dune and see if he can see anything from there that helps him find the town. He keeps going up the dune.

Halfway up, he slips in the bad footing of the sand for the second or third time, and falls to his knees. He doesn’t feel like getting back up - he’ll just fall down again. So, he keeps going up the dune on his hand and knees.

While crawling, if his throat weren’t so dry, he’d laugh. He’s finally gotten to the hackneyed image of a man lost in the desert - crawling through the sand on his hands and knees. If would be the perfect image, he imagines, if only his clothes were more ragged. The people crawling through the desert in the cartoons always had ragged clothes. But his have lasted without any rips so far. Somebody will probably find his dessicated corpse half buried in the sand years from now, and his clothes will still be in fine shape - shake the sand out, and a good wash, and they’d be wearable again. He wishes his throat were wet enough to laugh. He coughs a little instead, and it hurts.

He finally makes it to the top of the sand dune. Now that he’s at the top, he struggles a little, but manages to stand up and look around. All he sees is sand. Sand, and more sand. Behind him, about a mile away, he thinks he sees the rocky ground he left to head into this sand. Ahead of him, more dunes, more sand. This isn’t where he drove his SUV. This is Hell. Or close enough.

Again, he doesn’t know what to do. He decides to drink the rest of the wiper fluid while figuring it out. He takes out the bottle, and is removing the cap, when he glances to the side and sees something. Something in the sand. At the bottom of the dune, off to the side, he sees something strange. It’s a flat area, in the sand. He stops taking the cap of the bottle off, and tries to look closer. The area seems to be circular. And it’s dark - darker than the sand. And, there seems to be something in the middle of it, but he can’t tell what it is. He looks as hard as he can, and still can tell from here. He’s going to have to go down there and look.

He puts the bottle back in his pocket, and starts to stumble down the dune. After a few steps, he realises that he’s in trouble - he’s not going to be able to keep his balance. After a couple of more sliding, tottering steps, he falls and starts to roll down the dune. The sand it so hot when his body hits it that for a minute he thinks he’s caught fire on the way down - like a movie car wreck flashing into flames as it goes over the cliff, before it ever even hits the ground. He closes his eyes and mouth, covers his face with his hands, and waits to stop rolling.

He stops, at the bottom of the dune. After a minute or two, he finds enough energy to try to sit up and get the sand out of his face and clothes. When he clears his eyes enough, he looks around to make sure that the dark spot in the sand it still there and he hadn’t just imagined it.

So, seeing the large, flat, dark spot on the sand is still there, he begins to crawl towards it. He’d get up and walk towards it, but he doesn’t seem to have the energy to get up and walk right now. He must be in the final stages of dehydration he figures, as he crawls. If this place in the sand doesn’t have water, he’ll likely never make it anywhere else. This is his last chance.

He gets closer and closer, but still can’t see what’s in the middle of the dark area. His eyes won’t quite focus any more for some reason. And lifting his head up to look takes so much effort that he gives up trying. He just keeps crawling.

Finally, he reaches the area he’d seen from the dune. It takes him a minute of crawling on it before he realises that he’s no longer on sand - he’s now crawling on some kind of dark stone. Stone with some kind of marking on it - a pattern cut into the stone. He’s too tired to stand up and try to see what the pattern is - so he just keeps crawling. He crawls towards the centre, where his blurry eyes still see something in the middle of the dark stone area.

His mind, detached in a strange way, notes that either his hands and knees are so burnt by the sand that they no longer feel pain, or that this dark stone, in the middle of a burning desert with a pounding, punishing sun overhead, doesn’t seem to be hot. It almost feels cool. He considers lying down on the nice cool surface.

Cool, dark stone. Not a good sign. He must be hallucinating this. He’s probably in the middle of a patch of sand, already lying face down and dying, and just imagining this whole thing. A desert mirage. Soon the beautiful women carrying pitchers of water will come up and start giving him a drink. Then he’ll know he’s gone.

He decides against laying down on the cool stone. If he’s going to die here in the middle of this hallucination, he at least wants to see what’s in the centre before he goes. He keeps crawling.

It’s the third time that he hears the voice before he realises what he’s hearing. He would swear that someone just said, “Greetings, traveller. You do not look well. Do you hear me?”

He stops crawling. He tries to look up from where he is on his hands and knees, but it’s too much effort to lift his head. So he tries something different - he leans back and tries to sit up on the stone. After a few seconds, he catches his balance, avoids falling on his face, sits up, and tries to focus his eyes. Blurry. He rubs his eyes with the back of his hands and tries again. Better this time.

Yep. He can see. He’s sitting in the middle of a large, flat, dark expanse of stone. Directly next to him, about three feet away, is a white post or pole about two inches in diameter and sticking up about four or five feet out of the stone, at an angle.

And wrapped around this white rod, tail with rattle on it hovering and seeming to be ready to start rattling, is what must be a fifteen foot long desert diamondback rattlesnake, looking directly at him.

He stares at the snake in shock. He doesn’t have the energy to get up and run away. He doesn’t even have the energy to crawl away. This is it, his final resting place. No matter what happens, he’s not going to be able to move from this spot.

Well, at least dying of a bite from this monster should be quicker than dying of thirst. He’ll face his end like a man. He struggles to sit up a little straighter. The snake keeps watching him. He lifts one hand and waves it in the snake’s direction, feebly. The snake watches the hand for a moment, then goes back to watching the man, looking into his eyes.

Hmmm. Maybe the snake had no interest in biting him? It hadn’t rattled yet - that was a good sign. Maybe he wasn’t going to die of snake bite after all. He then remembers that he’d looked up when he’d reached the centre here because he thought he’d heard a voice. He was still very woozy - he was likely to pass out soon, the sun still beat down on him even though he was now on cool stone. He still didn’t have anything to drink. But maybe he had actually heard a voice. This stone didn’t look natural. Nor did that white post sticking up out of the stone. Someone had to have built this. Maybe they were still nearby. Maybe that was who talked to him. Maybe this snake was even their pet, and that’s why it wasn’t biting.

He tries to clear his throat to say, “Hello,” but his throat is too dry. All that comes out is a coughing or wheezing sound. There is no way he’s going to be able to talk without something to drink. He feels his pocket, and the bottle with the wiper fluid is still there. He shakily pulls the bottle out, almost losing his balance and falling on his back in the process. This isn’t good. He doesn’t have much time left, by his reckoning, before he passes out.

He gets the lid off of the bottle, manages to get the bottle to his lips, and pours some of the fluid into his mouth. He sloshes it around, and then swallows it. He coughs a little. His throat feels better. Maybe he can talk now.

He tries again. Ignoring the snake, he turns to look around him, hoping to spot the owner of this place, and croaks out, “Hello? Is there anyone here?”

He hears, from his side, “Greetings. What is it that you want?”

He turns his head, back towards the snake. That’s where the sound had seemed to come from. The only thing he can think of is that there must be a speaker, hidden under the snake, or maybe built into that post. He decides to try asking for help.

“Please,” he croaks again, suddenly feeling dizzy, “I’d love to not be thirsty any more. I’ve been a long time without water. Can you help me?”

Looking in the direction of the snake, hoping to see where the voice was coming from this time, he is shocked to see the snake rear back, open its mouth, and speak. He hears it say, as the dizziness overtakes him and he falls forward, face first on the stone, “Very well. Coming up.”

A piercing pain shoots through his shoulder. Suddenly he is awake. He sits up and grabs his shoulder, wincing at the throbbing pain. He’s momentarily disoriented as he looks around, and then he remembers - the crawl across the sand, the dark area of stone, the snake. He sees the snake, still wrapped around the tilted white post, still looking at him.

He reaches up and feels his shoulder, where it hurts. It feels slightly wet. He pulls his fingers away and looks at them - blood. He feels his shoulder again - his shirt has what feels like two holes in it - two puncture holes - they match up with the two aching spots of pain on his shoulder. He had been bitten. By the snake.

“It’ll feel better in a minute.” He looks up - it’s the snake talking. He hadn’t dreamed it. Suddenly he notices - he’s not dizzy any more. And more importantly, he’s not thirsty any more - at all!

“Have I died? Is this the afterlife? Why are you biting me in the afterlife?”

“Sorry about that, but I had to bite you,” says the snake. “That’s the way I work. It all comes through the bite. Think of it as natural medicine.”

“You bit me to help me? Why aren’t I thirsty any more? Did you give me a drink before you bit me? How did I drink enough while unconscious to not be thirsty any more? I haven’t had a drink for over two days. Well, except for the windshield wiper fluid… hold it, how in the world does a snake talk? Are you real? Are you some sort of Disney animation?”

“No,” says the snake, “I’m real. As real as you or anyone is, anyway. I didn’t give you a drink. I bit you. That’s how it works - it’s what I do. I bite. I don’t have hands to give you a drink, even if I had water just sitting around here.”

The man sat stunned for a minute. Here he was, sitting in the middle of the desert on some strange stone that should be hot but wasn’t, talking to a snake that could talk back and had just bitten him. And he felt better. Not great - he was still starving and exhausted, but much better - he was no longer thirsty. He had started to sweat again, but only slightly. He felt hot, in this sun, but it was starting to get lower in the sky, and the cool stone beneath him was a relief he could notice now that he was no longer dying of thirst.

“I might suggest that we take care of that methanol you now have in your system with the next request,” continued the snake. “I can guess why you drank it, but I’m not sure how much you drank, or how much methanol was left in the wiper fluid. That stuff is nasty. It’ll make you go blind in a day or two, if you drank enough of it.”

“Ummm, n-next request?” said the man. He put his hand back on his hurting shoulder and backed away from the snake a little.

“That’s the way it works. If you like, that is,” explained the snake. “You get three requests. Call them wishes, if you wish.” The snake grinned at his own joke, and the man drew back a little further from the show of fangs.

“But there are rules,” the snake continued. “The first request is free. The second requires an agreement of secrecy. The third requires the binding of responsibility.” The snake looks at the man seriously.

“By the way,” the snake says suddenly, “my name is Nathan. Old Nathan, Samuel used to call me. He gave me the name. Before that, most of the Bound used to just call me ‘Snake’. But that got old, and Samuel wouldn’t stand for it. He said that anything that could talk needed a name. He was big into names. You can call me Nate, if you wish.” Again, the snake grinned. “Sorry if I don’t offer to shake, but I think you can understand - my shake sounds somewhat threatening.” The snake give his rattle a little shake.

“Umm, my name is Jack,” said the man, trying to absorb all of this. “Jack Samson.

“Can I ask you a question?” Jack says suddenly. “What happened to the poison…umm, in your bite. Why aren’t I dying now? How did you do that? What do you mean by that’s how you work?”

“That’s more than one question,” grins Nate. “But I’ll still try to answer all of them. First, yes, you can ask me a question.” The snake’s grin gets wider. “Second, the poison is in you. It changed you. You now no longer need to drink. That’s what you asked for. Or, well, technically, you asked to not be thirsty any more - but ‘any more’ is such a vague term. I decided to make it permanent - now, as long as you live, you shouldn’t need to drink much at all. Your body will conserve water very efficiently. You should be able to get enough just from the food you eat - much like a creature of the desert. You’ve been changed.

“For the third question,” Nate continues, “you are still dying. Besides the effects of that methanol in your system, you’re a man - and men are mortal. In your current state, I give you no more than about another 50 years. Assuming you get out of this desert, alive, that is.” Nate seemed vastly amused at his own humour, and continued his wide grin.

“As for the fourth question,” Nate said, looking more serious as far as Jack could tell, as Jack was just now working on his ability to read talking-snake emotions from snake facial features, “first you have to agree to make a second request and become bound by the secrecy, or I can’t tell you.”

“Wait,” joked Jack, “isn’t this where you say you could tell me, but you’d have to kill me?”

“I thought that was implied.” Nate continued to look serious.

“Ummm…yeah.” Jack leaned back a little as he remembered again that he was talking to a fifteen foot poisonous reptile with a reputation for having a nasty temper. “So, what is this ‘Bound by Secrecy’ stuff, and can you really stop the effects of the methanol?” Jack thought for a second. “And, what do you mean methanol, anyway? I thought these days they use ethanol in wiper fluid, and just denature it?”

“They may, I don’t really know,” said Nate. “I haven’t gotten out in a while. Maybe they do. All I know is that I smell methanol on your breath and on that bottle in your pocket. And the blue colour of the liquid when you pulled it out to drink some let me guess that it was wiper fluid. I assume that they still colour wiper fluid blue?”

“Yeah, they do,” said Jack.

“I figured,” replied Nate. “As for being bound by secrecy - with the fulfilment of your next request, you will be bound to say nothing about me, this place, or any of the information I will tell you after that, when you decide to go back out to your kind. You won’t be allowed to talk about me, write about me, use sign language, charades, or even act in a way that will lead someone to guess correctly about me. You’ll be bound to secrecy. Of course, I’ll also ask you to promise not to give me away, and as I’m guessing that you’re a man of your word, you’ll never test the binding anyway, so you won’t notice.” Nate said the last part with utter confidence.

Jack, who had always prided himself on being a man of his word, felt a little nervous at this. “Ummm, hey, Nate, who are you? How did you know that? Are you, umm, omniscient, or something?”

Well, Jack,” said Nate sadly, “I can’t tell you that, unless you make the second request.” Nate looked away for a minute, then looked back.

“Umm, well, OK,” said Jack, “what is this about a second request? What can I ask for? Are you allowed to tell me that?”

“Sure!” said Nate, brightening. “You’re allowed to ask for changes. Changes to yourself. They’re like wishes, but they can only affect you. Oh, and before you ask, I can’t give you immortality. Or omniscience. Or omnipresence, for that matter. Though I might be able to make you gaseous and yet remain alive, and then you could spread through the atmosphere and sort of be omnipresent. But what good would that be - you still wouldn’t be omniscient and thus still could only focus on one thing at a time. Not very useful, at least in my opinion.” Nate stopped when he realised that Jack was staring at him.

“Well, anyway,” continued Nate, “I’d probably suggest giving you permanent good health. It would negate the methanol now in your system, you’d be immune to most poisons and diseases, and you’d tend to live a very long time, barring accident, of course. And you’ll even have a tendency to recover from accidents well. It always seemed like a good choice for a request to me.”

“Cure the methanol poisoning, huh?” said Jack. “And keep me healthy for a long time? Hmmm. It doesn’t sound bad at that. And it has to be a request about a change to me? I can’t ask to be rich, right? Because that’s not really a change to me?”

“Right,” nodded Nate.

“Could I ask to be a genius and permanently healthy?” Jack asked, hopefully.

“That takes two requests, Jack.”

“Yeah, I figured so,” said Jack. “But I could ask to be a genius? I could become the smartest scientist in the world? Or the best athlete?”

“Well, I could make you very smart,” admitted Nate, “but that wouldn’t necessarily make you the best scientist in the world. Or, I could make you very athletic, but it wouldn’t necessarily make you the best athlete either. You’ve heard the saying that 99% of genius is hard work? Well, there’s some truth to that. I can give you the talent, but I can’t make you work hard. It all depends on what you decide to do with it.”

“Hmmm,” said Jack. “OK, I think I understand. And I get a third request, after this one?”

“Maybe,” said Nate, “it depends on what you decide then. There are more rules for the third request that I can only tell you about after the second request. You know how it goes.” Nate looked like he’d shrug, if he had shoulders.

“OK, well, since I’d rather not be blind in a day or two, and permanent health doesn’t sound bad, then consider that my second request. Officially. Do I need to sign in blood or something?”

“No,” said Nate. “Just hold out your hand. Or heel.” Nate grinned. “Or whatever part you want me to bite. I have to bite you again. Like I said, that’s how it works - the poison, you know,” Nate said apologetically.

Jack winced a little and felt his shoulder, where the last bite was. Hey, it didn’t hurt any more. Just like Nate had said. That made Jack feel better about the biting business. But still, standing still while a fifteen foot snake sunk it’s fangs into you. Jack stood up. Ignoring how good it felt to be able to stand again, and the hunger starting to gnaw at his stomach, Jack tried to decide where he wanted to get bitten. Despite knowing that it wouldn’t hurt for long, Jack knew that this wasn’t going to be easy.

“Hey, Jack,” Nate suddenly said, looking past Jack towards the dunes behind him, “is that someone else coming up over there?”

Jack spun around and looked. Who else could be out here in the middle of nowhere? And did they bring food?

Wait a minute, there was nobody over there. What was Nate…

Jack let out a bellow as he felt two fangs sink into his rear end, through his jeans…

Jack sat down carefully, favouring his more tender buttock. “I would have decided, eventually, Nate. I was just thinking about it. You didn’t have to hoodwink me like that.”

“I’ve been doing this a long time, Jack,” said Nate, confidently. “You humans have a hard time sitting still and letting a snake bite you - especially one my size. And besides, admit it - it’s only been a couple of minutes and it already doesn’t hurt any more, does it? That’s because of the health benefit with this one. I told you that you’d heal quickly now.”

“Yeah, well, still,” said Jack, “it’s the principle of the thing. And nobody likes being bitten in the butt! Couldn’t you have gotten my calf or something instead?”

“More meat in the typical human butt,” replied Nate. “And less chance you accidentally kick me or move at the last second.”

“Yeah, right. So, tell me all of these wonderful secrets that I now qualify to hear,” answered Jack.

“OK,” said Nate. “Do you want to ask questions first, or do you want me to just start talking?”

“Just talk,” said Jack. “I’ll sit here and try to not think about food.”

“We could go try to rustle up some food for you first, if you like,” answered Nate.

“Hey! You didn’t tell me you had food around here, Nate!” Jack jumped up. “What do we have? Am I in walking distance to town? Or can you magically whip up food along with your other powers?” Jack was almost shouting with excitement. His stomach had been growling for hours.

“I was thinking more like I could flush something out of its hole and bite it for you, and you could skin it and eat it. Assuming you have a knife, that is,” replied Nate, with the grin that Jack was starting to get used to.

“Ugh,” said Jack, sitting back down. “I think I’ll pass. I can last a little longer before I get desperate enough to eat desert rat, or whatever else it is you find out here. And there’s nothing to burn - I’d have to eat it raw. No thanks. Just talk.”

“OK,” replied Nate, still grinning. “But I’d better hurry, before you start looking at me as food.

Nate reared back a little, looked around for a second, and then continued. “You, Jack, are sitting in the middle of the Garden of Eden.”

Jack looked around at the sand and dunes and then looked back at Nate sceptically.

“Well, that’s the best I can figure it, anyway, Jack,” said Nate. “Stand up and look at the symbol on the rock here.” Nate gestured around the dark stone they were both sitting on with his nose.

Jack stood up and looked. Carved into the stone in a bas-relief was a representation of a large tree. The angled-pole that Nate was wrapped around was coming out of the trunk of the tree, right below where the main branches left the truck to reach out across the stone. It was very well done - it looked more like a tree had been reduced to almost two dimensions and embedded in the stone than it did like a carving.

Jack walked around and looked at the details in the fading light of the setting sun. He wished he’d looked at it while the sun was higher in the sky.

Wait! The sun was setting! That meant he was going to have to spend another night out here! Arrrgh!

Jack looked out across the desert for a little bit, and then came back and stood next to Nate. “In all the excitement, I almost forgot, Nate,” said Jack. “Which way is it back to town? And how far? I’m eventually going to have to head back - I’m not sure I’ll be able to survive by eating raw desert critters for long. And even if I can, I’m not sure I’ll want to.”

“It’s about 30 miles that way.” Nate pointed, with the rattle on his tail this time. As far as Jack could tell, it was a direction at right angles to the way he’d been going when he was crawling here. “But that’s 30 miles by the way the crow flies. It’s about 40 by the way a man walks. You should be able to do it in about half a day with your improved endurance, if you head out early tomorrow, Jack.”

Jack looked out the way the snake had pointed for a few seconds more, and then sat back down. It was getting dark. Not much he could do about heading out right now. And besides, Nate was just about to get to the interesting stuff. “Garden of Eden? As best as you can figure it?”

“Well, yeah, as best as I and Samuel could figure it anyway,” said Nate. “He figured that the story just got a little mixed up. You know, snake, in a ‘tree’, offering ‘temptations’, making bargains. That kind stuff. But he could never quite figure out how the Hebrews found out about this spot from across the ocean. He worried about that for a while.”

“Garden of Eden, huh?” said Jack. “How long have you been here, Nate?”

“No idea, really,” replied Nate. “A long time. It never occurred to me to count years, until recently, and by then, of course, it was too late. But I do remember when this whole place was green, so I figure it’s been thousands of years, at least.”

“So, are you the snake that tempted Eve?” said Jack.

“Beats me,” said Nate. “Maybe. I can’t remember if the first one of your kind that I talked to was female or not, and I never got a name, but it could have been. And I suppose she could have considered my offer to grant requests a ‘temptation’, though I’ve rarely had refusals.”

“Well, umm, how did you get here then? And why is that white pole stuck out of the stone there?” asked Jack.

“Dad left me here. Or, I assume it was my dad. It was another snake - much bigger than I was back then. I remember talking to him, but I don’t remember if it was in a language, or just kind of understanding what he wanted. But one day, he brought me to this stone, told me about it, and asked me to do something for him. I talked it over with him for a while, then agreed. I’ve been here ever since.

“What is this place?” said Jack. “And what did he ask you to do?”

“Well, you see this pole here, sticking out of the stone?” Nate loosened his coils around the tilted white pole and showed Jack where it descended into the stone. The pole was tilted at about a 45 degree angle and seemed to enter the stone in an eighteen inch slot cut into the stone. Jack leaned over and looked. The slot was dark and the pole went down into it as far as Jack could see in the dim light. Jack reached out to touch the pole, but Nate was suddenly there in the way.

“You can’t touch that yet, Jack,” said Nate.

“Why not?” asked Jack.

“I haven’t explained it to you yet,” replied Nate.

“Well, it kinda looks like a lever or something,” said Jack. “You’d push it
that way, and it would move in the slot.”

“Yep, that’s what it is,” replied Nate.

“What does it do?” asked Jack. “End the world?”

“Oh, no,” said Nate. “Nothing that drastic. It just ends humanity. I call it ‘The Lever of Doom’.” For the last few words Nate had used a deeper, ringing voice. He tried to look serious for a few seconds, and then gave up and grinned.

Jack was initially startled by Nate’s pronouncement, but when Nate grinned Jack laughed. “Ha! You almost had me fooled for a second there. What does it really do?”

“Oh, it really ends humanity, like I said,” smirked Nate. “I just thought the voice I used was funny, didn’t you?”

Nate continued to grin.

“A lever to end humanity?” asked Jack. “What in the world is that for? Why would anyone need to end humanity?”

“Well,” replied Nate, “I get the idea that maybe humanity was an experiment. Or maybe the Big Guy just thought, that if humanity started going really bad, there should be a way to end it. I’m not really sure. All I know are the rules, and the guesses that Samuel and I had about why it’s here. I didn’t think to ask back when I started here.”

“Rules? What rules?” asked Jack.

“The rules are that I can’t tell anybody about it or let them touch it unless they agree to be bound to secrecy by a bite. And that only one human can be bound in that way at a time. That’s it.” explained Nate.

Jack looked somewhat shocked. “You mean that I could pull the lever now? You’d let me end humanity?”

“Yep,” replied Nate, “if you want to.” Nate looked at Jack carefully. “Do you want to, Jack?”

“Umm, no.” said Jack, stepping a little further back from the lever. “Why in the world would anyone want to end humanity? It’d take a psychotic to want that! Or worse, a suicidal psychotic, because it would kill him too, wouldn’t it?”

“Yep,” replied Nate, “being as he’d be human too.”

“Has anyone ever seriously considered it?” asked Nate. “Any of those bound to secrecy, that is?”

“Well, of course, I think they’ve all seriously considered it at one time or another. Being given that kind of responsibility makes you sit down and think, or so I’m told. Samuel considered it several times. He’d often get disgusted with humanity, come out here, and just hold the lever for a while. But he never pulled it. Or you wouldn’t be here.” Nate grinned some more.

Jack sat down, well back from the lever. He looked thoughtful and puzzled at the same time. After a bit, he said, “So this makes me the Judge of humanity? I get to decide whether they keep going or just end? Me?”

“That seems to be it,” agreed Nate.

“What kind of criteria do I use to decide?” said Jack. “How do I make this decision? Am I supposed to decide if they’re good? Or too many of them are bad? Or that they’re going the wrong way? Is there a set of rules for that?”

“Nope,” replied Nate. “You pretty much just have to decide on your own. It’s up to you, however you want to decide it. I guess that you’re just supposed to know.”

“But what if I get mad at someone? Or some girl dumps me and I feel horrible? Couldn’t I make a mistake? How do I know that I won’t screw up?” protested Jack.

Nate gave his kind of snake-like shrug again. “You don’t. You just have to try your best, Jack.”

Jack sat there for a while, staring off into the desert that was rapidly getting dark, chewing on a fingernail.

Suddenly, Jack turned around and looked at the snake. “Nate, was Samuel the
one bound to this before me?”

“Yep,” replied Nate. “He was a good guy. Talked to me a lot. Taught me to read and brought me books. I think I still have a good pile of them buried in the sand around here somewhere. I still miss him. He died a few months ago.”

“Sounds like a good guy,” agreed Jack. “How did he handle this, when you first told him. What did he do?”

“Well,” said Nate, “he sat down for a while, thought about it for a bit, and then asked me some questions, much like you’re doing.”

“What did he ask you, if you’re allowed to tell me?” asked Jack.

“He asked me about the third request,” replied Nate.

“Aha!” It was Jack’s turn to grin. “And what did you tell him?”

“I told him the rules for the third request. That to get the third request you have to agree to this whole thing. That if it ever comes to the point that you really think that humanity should be ended, that you’ll come here and end it. You won’t avoid it, and you won’t wimp out.” Nate looked serious again. “And you’ll be bound to do it too, Jack.”

“Hmmm.” Jack looked back out into the darkness for a while.

Nate watched him, waiting.

“Nate,” continued Jack, quietly, eventually. “What did Samuel ask for with his third request?”

Nate sounded like he was grinning again as he replied, also quietly, “Wisdom, Jack. He asked for wisdom. As much as I could give him.”

“OK,” said Jack, suddenly, standing up and facing away from Nate, “give it to me.

Nate looked at Jack’s backside. “Give you what, Jack?”

“Give me that wisdom. The same stuff that Samuel asked for. If it helped him, maybe it’ll help me too.” Jack turned his head to look back over his shoulder at Nate. “It did help him, right?”

“He said it did,” replied Nate. “But he seemed a little quieter afterwards. Like he had a lot to think about.”

“Well, yeah, I can see that,” said Jack. “So, give it to me.” Jack turned to face away from Nate again, bent over slightly and tensed up.

Nate watched Jack tense up with a little exasperation. If he bit Jack now, Jack would likely jump out of his skin and maybe hurt them both.

“You remember that you’ll be bound to destroy humanity if it ever looks like it needs it, right Jack?” asked Nate, shifting position.

“Yeah, yeah, I got that,” replied Jack, eyes squeezed tightly shut and body tense, not noticing the change in direction of Nate’s voice.

“And,” continued Nate, from his new position, “do you remember that you’ll turn bright purple, and grow big horns and extra eyes?”

“Yeah, yeah…Hey, wait a minute!” said Jack, opening his eyes, straightening up and turning around. “Purple?!” He didn’t see Nate there. With the moonlight Jack could see that the lever extended up from its slot in the rock without the snake wrapped around it.

Jack heard, from behind him, Nate’s “Just Kidding!” right before he felt the now familiar piercing pain, this time in the other buttock.

Jack sat on the edge of the dark stone in the rapidly cooling air, his feet extending out into the sand. He stared out into the darkness, listening to the wind stir the sand, occasionally rubbing his butt where he’d been recently bitten.

Nate had left for a little while, had come back with a desert-rodent-shaped bulge somewhere in his middle, and was now wrapped back around the lever, his tongue flicking out into the desert night’s air the only sign that he was still awake.

Occasionally Jack, with his toes absentmindedly digging in the sand while he thought, would ask Nate a question without turning around.

“Nate, do accidents count?”

Nate lifted his head a little bit. “What do you mean, Jack?”

Jack tilted his head back like he was looking at the stars. “You know, accidents. If I accidentally fall on the lever, without meaning to, does that still wipe out humanity?”

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure it does, Jack. I’d suggest you be careful about that if you start feeling wobbly,” said Nate with some amusement.

A little later - “Does it have to be me that pulls the lever?” asked Jack.

“That’s the rule, Jack. Nobody else can pull it,” answered Nate.

“No,” Jack shook his head, “I meant does it have to be my hand? Could I pull the lever with a rope tied around it? Or push it with a stick? Or throw a rock?”

“Yes, those should work,” replied Nate. “Though I’m not sure how complicated you could get. Samuel thought about trying to build some kind of remote control for it once, but gave it up. Everything he’d build would be gone by the next sunrise, if it was touching the stone, or over it. I told him that in the past others that had been bound had tried to bury the lever so they wouldn’t be tempted to pull it, but every time the stones or sand or whatever had disappeared.”

“Wow,” said Jack, “Cool.” Jack leaned back until only his elbows kept him off of the stone and looked up into the sky.

“Nate, how long did Samuel live? One of his wishes was for health too, right?” asked Jack.

“Yes,” replied Nate, “it was. He lived 167 years, Jack.”

“Wow, 167 years. That’s almost 140 more years I’ll live if I live as long. Do you know what he died of, Nate?”

“He died of getting tired of living, Jack,” Nate said, sounding somewhat sad.

Jack turned his head to look at Nate in the starlight.

Nate looked back. “Samuel knew he wasn’t going to be able to stay in society. He figured that they’d eventually see him still alive and start questioning it, so he decided that he’d have to disappear after a while. He faked his death once, but changed his mind - he decided it was too early and he could stay for a little longer. He wasn’t very fond of mankind, but he liked the attention. Most of the time, anyway."

“His daughter and then his wife dying almost did him in though. He didn’t stay in society much longer after that. He eventually came out here to spend time talking to me and thinking about pulling the lever. A few months ago he told me he’d had enough. It was his time.”

“And then he just died?” asked Jack.

Nate shook his head a little. “He made his forth request, Jack. There’s only one thing you can ask for the fourth request. The last bite.

After a bit Nate continued, “He told me that he was tired, that it was his time. He reassured me that someone new would show up soon, like they always had.

After another pause, Nate finished, “Samuel’s body disappeared off the stone with the sunrise.”

Jack lay back down and looked at the sky, leaving Nate alone with his memories. It was a long time until Jack’s breathing evened out into sleep.

Jack woke with the sunrise the next morning. He was a little chilled with the morning desert air, but overall was feeling pretty good. Well, except that his stomach was grumbling and he wasn’t willing to eat raw desert rat.

So, after getting directions to town from Nate, making sure he knew how to get back, and reassuring Nate that he’d be back soon, Jack started the long walk back to town. With his new health and Nate’s good directions, he made it back easily.

Jack caught a bus back to the city, and showed up for work the next day, little worse for the wear and with a story about getting lost in the desert and walking back out. Within a couple of days Jack had talked a friend with a tow truck into going back out into the desert with him to fetch the SUV. They found it after a couple of hours of searching and towed it back without incident. Jack was careful not to even look in the direction of Nate’s lever, though their path back didn’t come within sight of it.

Before the next weekend, Jack had gone to a couple of stores, including a book store, and had gotten his SUV back from the mechanic, with a warning to avoid any more joyriding in the desert. On Saturday, Jack headed back to see Nate.

Jack parked a little way out of the small town near Nate, loaded up his new backpack with camping gear and the things he was bringing for Nate, and then started walking. He figured that walking would leave the least trail, and he knew that while not many people camped in the desert, it wasn’t unheard of, and shouldn’t really raise suspicions.

Jack had brought more books for Nate - recent books, magazines, newspapers. Some things that would catch Nate up with what was happening in the world, others that were just good books to read. He spent the weekend with Nate, and then headed out again, telling Nate that he’d be back again soon, but that he had things to do first.

Over four months later Jack was back to see Nate again. This time he brought a laptop with him - a specially modified laptop. It had a solar recharger, special filters and seals to keep out the sand, a satellite link-up, and a special keyboard and joystick that Jack hoped that a fifteen-foot rattlesnake would be able to use. And, it had been hacked to not give out its location to the satellite.

After that Jack could e-mail Nate to keep in touch, but still visited him fairly regularly - at least once or twice a year.

After the first year, Jack quit his job. For some reason, with the wisdom he‘d been given, and the knowledge that he could live for over 150 years, working in a nine to five job for someone else didn’t seem that worthwhile any more. Jack went back to school.

Eventually, Jack started writing. Perhaps because of the wisdom, or perhaps because of his new perspective, he wrote well. People liked what he wrote, and he became well known for it. After a time, Jack bought an RV and started travelling around the country for book signings and readings.

But, he still remembered to drop by and visit Nate occasionally.

On one of the visits Nate seemed quieter than usual. Not that Nate had been a fountain of joy lately. Jack’s best guess was that Nate was still missing Samuel, and though Jack had tried, he still hadn’t been able to replace Samuel in Nate’s eyes. Nate had been getting quieter each visit. But on this visit Nate didn’t even speak when Jack walked up to the lever. He nodded at Jack, and then went back to staring into the desert. Jack, respecting Nate’s silence, sat down and waited.

After a few minutes, Nate spoke. “Jack, I have someone to introduce you to.”

Jack looked surprised. “Someone to introduce me to?” Jack looked around, and then looked carefully back at Nate. “This something to do with the Big Guy?

“No, no,” replied Nate. “This is more personal. I want you to meet my son.” Nate looked over at the nearest sand dune. “Sammy!”

Jack watched as a four foot long desert rattlesnake crawled from behind the dune and up to the stone base of the lever.

“Yo, Jack,” said the new, much smaller snake.

“Yo, Sammy” replied Jack. Jack looked at Nate. “Named after Samuel, I assume?”

Nate nodded. “Jack, I’ve got a favour to ask you. Could you show Sammy around for me?” Nate unwrapped himself from the lever and slithered over to the edge of the stone and looked across the sands. “When Samuel first told me about the world, and brought me books and pictures, I wished that I could go see it. I wanted to see the great forests, the canyons, the cities, even the other deserts, to see if they felt and smelled the same. I want my son to have that chance - to see the world. Before he becomes bound here like I have been.

“He’s seen it in pictures, over the computer that you brought me. But I hear that it’s not the same. That being there is different. I want him to have that. Think you can do that for me, Jack?”

Jack nodded. This was obviously very important to Nate, so Jack didn’t even joke about taking a talking rattlesnake out to see the world. “Yeah, I can do that for you, Nate. Is that all you need?” Jack could sense that was something more.

Nate looked at Sammy. Sammy looked back at Nate for a second and then said, “Oh, yeah. Ummm, I’ve gotta go pack. Back in a little bit Jack. Nice to meet ya!” Sammy slithered back over the dune and out of sight.

Nate watched Sammy disappear and then looked back at Jack. “Jack, this is my first son. My first offspring through all the years. You don’t even want to know what it took for me to find a mate.” Nate grinned to himself. “But anyway, I had a son for a reason. I’m tired. I’m ready for it to be over. I needed a replacement.”

Jack considered this for a minute. “So, you’re ready to come see the world, and you wanted him to watch the lever while you were gone?”

Nate shook his head. “No, Jack - you’re a better guesser than that. You’ve already figured out - I’m bound here - there’s only one way for me to leave here. And I’m ready. It’s my time to die.”

Jack looked more closely at Nate. He could tell Nate had thought about this - probably for quite a while. Jack had trouble imagining what it would be like to be as old as Nate, but Jack could already tell that in another hundred or two hundred years, he might be getting tired of life himself. Jack could understand Samuel’s decision, and now Nate’s. So, all Jack said was, “What do you want me to do?”

Nate nodded. “Thanks, Jack. I only want two things. One - show Sammy around the world - let him get his fill of it, until he’s ready to come back here and take over. Two - give me the fourth request.

“I can’t just decide to die, not any more than you can. I won’t even die of old age like you eventually will, even though it’ll be a long time from now. I need to be killed. Once Sammy is back here, ready to take over, I’ll be able to die. And I need you to kill me.

“I’ve even thought about how. Poisons and other drugs won’t work on me. And I’ve seen pictures of snakes that were shot - some of them live for days, so that’s out too. So, I want you to bring back a sword.

Nate turned away to look back to the dune that Sammy had gone behind. “I’d say an axe, but that’s somewhat undignified - putting my head on the ground or a chopping block like that. No, I like a sword. A time-honoured way of going out. A dignified way to die. And, most importantly, it should work, even on me.

“You willing to do that for me, Jack?” Nate turned back to look at Jack.

“Yeah, Nate,” replied Jack solemnly, “I think I can handle that.”

Nate nodded. “Good!” He turned back toward the dune and shouted, “Sammy! Jack’s about ready to leave!” Then quietly, “Thanks, Jack.”

Jack didn’t have anything to say to that, so he waited for Sammy to make it back to the lever, nodded to him, nodded a final time to Nate, and then headed into the desert with Sammy following.

Over the next several years Sammy and Jack kept in touch with Nate through e-mail as they went about their adventures. They made a goal of visiting every country in the world, and did a respectable job of it. Sammy had a natural gift for languages, as Jack expected he would, and even ended up acting as a translator for Jack in a few of the countries. Jack managed to keep the talking rattlesnake hidden, even so, and by the time they were nearing the end of their tour of countries, Sammy had only been spotted a few times. While there were several people that had seen enough to startle them greatly, nobody had enough evidence to prove anything, and while a few wild rumours and storied followed Jack and Sammy around, nothing ever hit the newspapers or the public in general.

When they finished the tour of countries, Jack suggested that they try some undersea diving. They did. And spelunking. They did that too. Sammy finally drew the line at visiting Antarctica. He’d come to realise that Jack was stalling. After talking to his Dad about it over e-mail, he figured out that Jack probably didn’t want to have to kill Nate. Nate told Sammy that humans could be squeamish about killing friends and acquaintances.

So, Sammy eventually put his tail down (as he didn’t have a foot) and told Jack that it was time - he was ready to go back and take up his duties from his dad. Jack, delayed it a little more by insisting that they go back to Japan and buy an appropriate sword. He even stretched it a little more by getting lessons in how to use the sword. But, eventually, he’d learned as much as he was likely to without dedicating his life to it, and was definitely competent enough to take the head off of a snake. It was time to head back and see Nate.

When they got back to the US, Jack got the old RV out of storage where he and Sammy had left it after their tour of the fifty states, he loaded up Sammy and the sword, and they headed for the desert.

When they got to the small town that Jack had been trying to find those years ago when he’d met Nate, Jack was in a funk. He didn’t really feel like walking all of the way out there. Not only that, but he’d forgotten to figure the travel time correctly, and it was late afternoon. They’d either have to spend the night in town and walk out tomorrow, or walk in the dark.

As Jack was afraid that if he waited one more night he might lose his resolve, he decided that he’d go ahead and drive the RV out there. It was only going to be this once, and Jack would go back and cover the tracks afterwards. They ought to be able to make it out there by nightfall if they drove, and then they could get it over tonight.

Jack told Sammy to e-mail Nate that they were coming as he drove out of sight of the town on the road. They then pulled off the road and headed out into the desert.

Everything went well, until they got to the sand dunes. Jack had been nursing the RV along the whole time, over the rocks, through the creek beds, revving the engine the few times they almost got stuck. When they came to the dunes, Jack didn’t really think about it, he just downshifted and headed up the first one. By the third dune, Jack started to regret that he’d decided to try driving on the sand. The RV was fishtailing and losing traction. Jack was having to work it up each dune slowly and was trying to keep from losing control each time they came over the top and slid down the other side. Sammy had come up to sit in the passenger seat, coiled up and
laughing at Jack’s driving.

As they came over the top of the fourth dune, the biggest one yet, Jack saw that this was the final dune - the stone, the lever, and somewhere Nate, waited below. Jack put on the brakes, but he’d gone a little too far. The RV started slipping down the other side.

Jack tried turning the wheel, but he didn’t have enough traction. He pumped the brakes - no response. They started sliding down the hill, faster and faster.

Jack felt a shock go through him as he suddenly realised that they were heading for the lever. He looked down - the RV was directly on course for it. If Jack didn’t do something, the RV would hit it. He was about to end humanity.

Jack steered more frantically, trying to get traction. It still wasn’t working. The dune was too steep, and the sand too loose. In a split second, Jack realised that his only chance would be once he hit the stone around the lever - he should have traction on the stone for just a second before he hit the lever - he wouldn’t have time to stop, but he should be able to steer away.

Jack took a better grip on the steering wheel and tried to turn the RV a little bit - every little bit would help. He’d have to time his turn just right.

The RV got to the bottom of the dune, sliding at an amazing speed in the sand. Just before they reached the stone Jack looked across it to check that they were still heading for the lever. They were. But Jack noticed something else that he hadn’t seen from the top of the dune. Nate wasn’t wrapped around the lever. He was off to the left side of the lever, but still on the stone, waiting for them. The problem was, he was waiting on the same side of the lever that Jack had picked to steer towards to avoid the lever. The RV was already starting to drift that way a little in its mad rush across the sand and there was no way that Jack was going to be able to go around the lever to the other side.

Jack had an instant of realisation. He was either going to have to hit the lever, or run over Nate. He glanced over at Sammy and saw that Sammy realised the same thing.

Jack took a firmer grip on the steering wheel as the RV ran up on the stone. Shouting to Sammy as he grabbed the wheel and turned it sharply to the left with all of his strength, "BETTER NATE THAN LEVER!!" and he hit the snake.

A warning.

2007-02-23T12:44:00.000Z

Just to show that you never know who is watching:

"A court in the port city of Alexandria has sentenced a young Egyptian blogger to four years' jail for contempt of religion, insulting the president and spreading false information." - BBC News

Full story at : http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/middle_east/6386613.stm

Trip and other bits

2007-02-20T22:07:00.000Z

Don't ask me why its been over a week since my last blog, because to be honest I don't know.
This is what I remember of last week...

Tuesday: Rain - so much so the university pavements were 3 inches under.
Wednesday: Bright sunshine - so good we buggered off down the Hoe and had lunch :). Found out about Speedy Reedys Accident, counselling session for 3 hrs over msn.
Thursday: Did £10 of Laundry and ironing ready for trip up to Huddersfield.
Friday: Left for Huddersfield. Right where to start?

I got a taxi up to Plymouth airport, really is in a most peculiar / out of the way place. Near the entrance you are surrounded by deep hedgerow on a single track road with warehouses surrounding you. For a moment I thought my driver was going to mug me!
Luckily he didn't and I arrived at the 2nd smallest airport I have ever been to, the 1st being Alderney. There isn't much there apart from 2 check in desks - the baggage conveyors (its all done by hand), a cafe, and some toilets.... oh and some seats. After a while our plane arrived and we boarded for our hopper flight to Manchester via Bristol. All was pleasant and the plane was less than half empty.

Upon arrival at Manchester we were given the furthest stand possible from domestic arrivals, so much so that I thought I had walked to Huddersfield by the time I got my bag. I then began an equally gargantuan walk to the train station, which required a slog through terminal 3 (my arrival point) into terminal 1 and then via a long tunnel to the station. From there I boarded a train to Huddersfield and arrived 40 minutes later.
I quickly met Speedy Reedy and we did what all good students do, and went to the pub. A pint later and a small snack we took a taxi to his 'house' which is part of a small student accommodation complex to the south of the city. His room is significantly smaller than mine, but cosier as a result. That night we went to a house party (arrived just as it ended), had pizza (yum) and watched copious amounts of Family Guy.

Saturday: Spent the day in Manchester.

Not a bad city, big shopping malls offering only the finest in artificially cooled recycled air. But really tis a nice place so cant grumble. The only down side is that although they have a Selfridges, there is no Krispy Kreme's inside unlike Birmingham, so my friend now has to go without.
We then went to the Hard-Rock Café, it was nice not too pricey either, and our waitress was something to eat with our eyes too.
Fed and watered we got back to Huddersfield and popped into the Uni to check emails etc. We then went back to the house and watched more Family Guy before going to see the Pursuit of Happyness at the local Odeon. Not a bad film, congratulations Mr Smith.

Sunday: Late to rise, had a look around Huddersfield town and then met up with a friend of SR called Liam. The three of us went climbing, me sticking to non harness needing boulders, while they had fun with straps and ropes. Not as gay as it sounds, although SR admits freely that Liam spends a good many nights at his house staying the night. We also managed to partly help SR get over his accident. Although I was glad to be there and helped to 2nd belay (safety rope thing), as when Liam did fall, the differences in weight lifted SR off the floor and sent him heading towards the wall, luckily I stopped him :).
That night we watched Top Gear, which was great as usual, and then went out for a great meal at Wetherspoons, pissing off the staff by ordering dessert at 20 Min's before cut off :).

Monday:
Spent all morning in bed. The afternoon was taken up with goodbyes, as SR had lectures at 2, so I wandered through town with my suitcase, had a coffee and then went to the Head of Steam which is the fore mentioned pub attached to the station. I got to the airport at 5 and took off at 7:30. The landing into Bristol was.... rough. Very rough. At the time the pilots expressed concern for our chances of arriving in Plymouth at all, but vowed to give it a go. Take off from Bristol was... yeah you guessed it rough. In the end we couldn't land at Plym, so had to divert to Exeter. Being shaken all the way, and the landing was unsurprisingly rough. Got home at 12:30, 3 hrs later than planned, but all in all a good weekend.

Impending Trip

2007-02-12T22:55:00.000Z

This Friday I will be setting a northerly course and heading into the unknown that is Yorkshire. I am off to Huddersfield to see Monsieur Reedy. This means either a 6hr train ride from Plymouth, or an 11hr coach trip. Thank god then that I can fly from Plymouth to Manchester which is only 55 Min's from Huddersfield. Interestingly enough I will have a quick stop-off at Bristol while they load more pax and hopefully not offload my baggage. This option takes 3 hrs total.

I was looking around at the price for this trip and I have paid £156.75 for the privilege. Interestingly the flight from Bristol-Manchester is the bit that costs £156.75, and the Plymouth leg is costing me nothing. (I looked how much just going from Bristol would be.) And yet to fly Plym to Bristol costs from £22 single. So they either cant justify making me pay more, or they like to con more from the people of Bristol.

Interestingly enough I have found this out about Bristol International Airport. They cover all costs and come into profit from car parking charges alone. All other charges etc are pure profit. SO that's landing fees, taxiing fees, refueling charges, ground handling charges, rental from shops/airlines- check in desks, terminal duty fees, security fees and prob a few hundred more.
No wonder its the most expensive regional airport in Britain!

Money Ooooh er

2007-02-12T01:33:00.000Z

I've submitted to the forces of student evil... I have myself a credit card. Now everyone stop drying your teeth and listen. I do not need it to get myself further into debt... nor in fact will it be anywhere near me most of the time. It will stay at home until the time I actually need to use it approaches. This time is May.

As part of my course I get to go on a cruise ship for a few days (F.O.C) and experience what the crew have to do. However seeing that the cruise will begin in Bordeaux, we felt it silly not to give up the chance of a nice holiday. So... we are flying out two days early and as much as Visa is accepted, Visa Debit can have the frogs up in arms. So therefore I applied for a Student Barclaycard, which unlike all other Barclays Student cards is a MasterCard.

Should take 14 days to process and deliver, and after that I'm good to go... but like i said, it isn't going anywhere until is necessary.

New House!

2007-02-09T23:16:00.000Z

Well things are changing fast here at Plymouth Uni. Buildings are going up, others are being remodelled and a few are coming down and going back up again.
Next year I had planned on being in Discovery Heights, however a friend has had a house bought for her, and she is renting it out. I've met the two other girls, and of course I know my friend so looks like we will be a nice little foursome next year :) 3:1 I may be outnumbered, but that aint bad.

Also I have been introduced to a fantastic new restaurant called Hans. Its chinese cuisine at its very finest. Reasonably priced and fantastic no matter who you go with. Definately a reason to wear those trousers that are a little too large.

Finally for tonight... In just under a week I will be in Huddersfield seeing Speedy Reedy. Looking forward to this alot, always nice to get drunk in new places.

Number Magic

2007-02-07T00:13:00.000Z

Tell a person to think of their birthday...and that you are going to guess it.

Step 1) Have them take the month number from their birthday: January = 1, Feb = 2 etc.
Step 2) Multiply that by 5
Step 3) Then add 6
Step 4) Then multiply that total by four
Step 5) Then add 9
Step 6) Then multiply this total by 5 once again
Step 7) Finally, have them add to that total the day they were born on. If they were born on the 18th, they add 18, etc.

Have them give you the total. In your head, subtract 165, and you will have the month and day they were born on!

Rondomise!

2007-02-05T19:04:00.000Z

Bit of an all over post today. As its been one long day...

Started at 9:30 working in the student training cafe (Pilgrims)
Prep until 10:30
Cruise Ops Meeting 10:30-11
More prep until 12
Service Starts until 1:30
Clear Down until 2:15
Lunch 2:30
Leave Pilgrims 2:45.

Go into town to post office, come back via starbucks... 2:45-3:45

Lecture 4-6

Come back and do washing, and clean the room 6-6:45

Sit down and write this... and people say students are lazy!!!

Busy

2007-02-04T14:32:00.000Z

Right so im back at university, and coping with the new mountain of essays that seemed to have sprung from no where. There nothing quite like coming back and finding that, that essay deadline isnt 3 weeks away but 3 days... oh well.

Here some things for you to enjoy.

You Are Rowlf the Dog

Mellow and serious, you enjoy time alone cultivating your talents.
You're a cool dog, and you always present a relaxed vibe.
A talented pianist, you can play almost anything - especially songs by Beethoven.
"My bark is worse than my bite, and my piano playing beats 'em both."

The Muppet Personality Test

Who needs to hear another bloody xmas and new years story?

2007-01-04T22:21:00.000Z

I like to think that over here at Nill Illigitimi Carborundum that we aspire to the alternative view on life. That everyone is an idiot.
So in that view I have forgone the usual, 'Guess what I did for xmas' story, and the even worse 'Guess how drunk I was' story in favour of a 'My life, read it' approach.
Therefore instead of the forementioned usuals, I'm going to tell you about my trip to London with an old School chum, Speedy Reedy.

I had acquired tickets for the train cheaply, and it seemed silly not to use them. So we did. We were in London by 11am, quite a feat for network rail. In the end we ended up racing Reedy's Dad to London after hearing of a last minute business meeting. So there we were, Messrs Speedy 'Hamster' Reedy, and me Bristol 'Captain Slow' Traveller, racing Bio Fuel Brad 'Clarkson' in his Coupe. (His Dads in the fuel industry, his cars petrol :) )

In theory us at 125 mph, and him limited to 7omph, should have been a forgone conclusion, even with him having a 10 min head start, and not having to stop at Swindon and Reading. And yet he beat us by 15 mins! Damn. Anyway doesn't matter. We had toilets, a bar and air con.

So into London we pull, the day Ken Livingston has put up tube fares, bloody typical. We proceeded to Cutty Sark and Grenwich. To find that the ship had lost its sails and was closed for refurb. We decided to walk the Grenwich - Island Gardens under Thames pedestrian tunnel, and in spirit of the day, we found the lifts out of service, undetermined and 300 stairs later we emerged the other side of the Thames and headed to Covent Garden. Not a lot there really is there.

So to the Strand! Here's where it all gets a bit monopoly esq. Lunch on the Strand, Coffee with Brad in Trafalgar Square. Down The Mall, through Queens Park to The Ritz. Off to Oxford St, Selfridges etc. Then Knightsbridge and Harrods.
Piccadilly Circus, Mayfair, Pall Mall. Dear god, must have looked like right tourists.

All in all a good day, topped off with Krispy Kremes.

Reedy has just started blogging, go have a look.

Sheer Bloody Madness

2006-12-12T18:03:00.000Z

Due to an admin error, aka they cant tell the time at the coursework office and therefore closed 5 mins early. I am stuck in Plmouth overnight.

So I need a new train ticket. £26.40 - Plymouth to Bristol Parkway Single

However £3.3o gets me from Plymouth to Exeter
And a further £11.30 gets me from Exeter to Bristol Parkway.

So I spend £14.60. And I get to stay on the same train as it goes to Bristol.

What the hell??!!!

Oh I do like to be beside the seaside

2006-11-18T19:30:00.000Z

Been to the sea side today, god its cold!!! Didnt go in but skimmed quite a few stones. Had a hit the pier support competition.

On Paignton pier, as with most piers there is an arcade, and on the 10p one arm bandit, on his second go, my friend hit the jackpot of £5, all in 10p's. We had fun getting rid of them. He actually made money that day.

Tis a nice place, very quaint. Oh and cold.

Money Money Money

2006-11-16T23:59:00.000Z

New Drive-Thru Cash Dispensers

DRIVE THROUGH CASH DISPENSERS TO OUR VALUED CUSTOMERS:

HSBC Bank is very pleased to inform you that we are installing new'Drive-thru' cash pointmachines where our customers will be able to withdraw cash without leavingtheir vehicles.
To enable our customers to make full use of these new facilities we haveconducted intensive behavioural studies to devise appropriate procedures for theiruse.
Please read the procedures which apply to you and remember them for whenyou use our new machines for the first time.

PROCEDURES FOR OUR MALE CUSTOMERS:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.2. Wind down your car window.3. Insert card and enter PIN.4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.6. Wind up window.7. Drive away.

PROCEDURES FOR OUR FEMALE CUSTOMERS:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.2. Reverse back the required amount to align car window with cash machine.3. Re-start the stalled engine.4. Wind down the window.5. Find handbag, remove all contents onto the passenger seat to locatecard.6. Turn the radio down.7. Attempt to insert card into the cash machine.8. Open car door to allow easier access to the cash machine due to theexcessive distance from the car.9. Insert card.10. After "Invalid Card' is displayed, remove Marks & Spencer Charge Cardand insert correct Cash Point Card.11. Remove Cash Point Card.12. Re-insert Cash Point Card the right way up.13. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside backpage.14. Enter PIN.15. Press 'Cancel' and re-enter correct PIN.16. Enter amount of cash required.17. Check make-up in rear view mirror.18. Retrieve cash and receipt.19. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.20. Place receipt in back of cheque book.21. Re-check make-up.22. Drive forward 2 metres.23. Reverse back to cash machine.24. Retrieve card.25. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder and place card into the slotprovided.26. Restart stalled engine and pull off.27. Drive for 2-3 miles.28. Release hand brake.

History

2006-11-13T00:08:00.000Z

A little history leson for those who enjoy history.
Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, sir."
Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer.What's the meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his duty,regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability"."What gobbledygook is this?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunitiesemployer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lestit be considered racist."
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-freeworking environments."
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of theGovernment's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on withit....full speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in thisstretch of water."
Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle inhistory. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir." Nelson: "What?"Hardy: "Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness.And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone upthere until proper scaffolding can be erected."
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle,Admiral."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-freeenvironment for the differently abled."
Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuseeven to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing thedisability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under- represented inthe areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't letthe crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing intoo much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell themen to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny."
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of beingcharged withmurder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aidlawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partnersnow.According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in thisstretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you sayingthat sir.You'll be up on disciplinary."
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of yourKing."
Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multiculturalage. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"
Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum,sodomy and the lash?"
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban oncorporal punishment."
Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir.

General Interest: Post 75

2006-11-08T12:55:00.001Z

Yup my 75th post, would have come a lot earlier had certain problems not arisen.

The main problem has simply been a total lack of time for getting anything done at all. University work has been keeping me busy, with around another 4 pieces of coursework due in within the next 4 weeks.

A second major problem has been that my lappy and me had a parting. This entailed my laptop having a fight with a glass of water, loosing... knackering its keyboard and being in for repairs for the best part of 3 weeks.
So for this time I have been using the University 24hr open access computer suite in the library. Such a depressing place, 60 people in at all hrs of the morning, all typing away and none of us wanting to be there. Ugh.

So hopefully normal service can now be resumed... What ever normal is.

General Interest: Post 75

2006-11-08T12:55:00.000Z

Two weeks

2006-10-15T23:17:00.000+01:00

Well I'm now an hour short of the two -weeks-without-a-post-mark.

Not a lot to report for the last 11 days, however the last two have been rather interesting.
I have been away at a course, a RYA (Royal Yachting Association) Safety Boat course.

I have been learning how to rescue vessels in distress, while being limited to a 6 man RIB.
Basically we have been capsizing a whole range of vessels in order to be able to right them again. Seems a bit repetitive, however when you are out there doing it, you don't notice that you are righting the same boat for the 5th time.

So we have capsized and turtled (completely upside-down) the following types:

Laser Pico Single Handed Sailing Vessel.
Topaz Omega Double Handed Sailing Vessel.
Dart-14 Catamaran
Canoes
Kyacks
Windsurfers

There was very little theory, most of it we learnt or worked out for ourselves when put in the position of having to deal with it.
Basically the rule is, if its small its easy, help by all means. If its large, try and get its crew to do the work,

We ended on a high too, we actually did a proper rescue. Well...
It was a private yacht that had lost all engine capability. He was managing to sail up Plymouth Cattlewater very well, tacking and gybing all the way, however as the river narrowed he didn't have any room. So we volunteered to tow him to his mooring spot, rather than call out the Coastguard/RNLI. It was a text book operation, with us managing to get him bang on.

So I now have another piece of paper to add to my logbook. I am certified.

Happy

2006-10-02T12:10:00.000+01:00

This weekend I have met the most perfect girl on all of the campus. She is funny, clever, sweet and caring. We get on like a house on fire.

I just hope im not reading too much into our chats.

*skips off*

Bye Bye Money

2006-09-30T01:22:00.000+01:00

Im getting rid of cash quicker than I can pass water. The main culprit isnt drink... but books. Lottsa books. All at around £30. Sheesh.

In other news im making lots of friends, and having lots of time to contimplate my space in this universe. Erm that means im still drinking lots.

Propper post tomorrow once the parents have been down and spent loads of money :)

I'm not scared, i'm too frightened to be scared.

2006-09-27T15:50:00.000+01:00

Having now got to grips with the basis of lectures. Im shi**ng my self. The work load seems totally and truely daunting.

However there does seem to be light at the end of the tunnel. We are starting a wine club as part of the HCIMA group that we all now belong to. (Hotel and Catering Institutional Management Association) So good chance of getting drunk at the uni's expense

It Strikes!!

2006-09-24T01:18:00.000+01:00

Plymouth Medical Services

Patient Number: 10034987

Surname: Fuller

First Names: Ian Michael

Faculty: Business and Social Science

Nature of Complaint: Sore Throat, Fever, Headache, Lethargy

Secondary Diagnosis Required No

Primary Diagnosis...

Freshers Flu!!!!

Is everyone from Bristol?

2006-09-21T13:38:00.000+01:00

Right quick catch up. Wednesday: Pointless meetings. However in the afternoon some progress was made. I now have my NUS Extra card, UPSU Sports Card, I am now covered by the doctors and I have a PlymCard. I have been to the SU (Students Union) Freshers Fair and collected 3 bag fulls of useless leaflets and offers, but I can get 25p off beans at sainsburys. :)

Last night: Slow start really, I wasn't really up for it because of an increasingly aggravating sore throat. However that didn't stop me from downing a double whiskey as soon as I got the SU. Followed in quick succession by a pint of cider.
We then headed down to Union Street, to a bar called C103, where you couldn't get in for love nor money. So about turn we went.

It was then I met an old friend from Bristol, she is now in her second year at Plymouth. We went in to a quieter bar and caught up. I ended the night back at hers and meeting all of her flatmates. All in all a good night.

All the bells and sirens

2006-09-19T18:35:00.000+01:00

Quick update: Monday.
Student night at one of the larger clubs in the city. Absolutly packed to the rafters. 20 mins to get a drink. Good music though. Gave up in the end and left for the next club, more expensive, smaller but not as packed.

So today: Got in from the above at around 1:30. Had to be up for 8am yay. So... 7:30 Fire Evacuation. Its loud and its not nice for people with hangovers. So 15 mins in the cold, and so back to bed for the remaining 15 mins, that turned into 45. Luckilly the place i had to be was 2 mins away.

Today we learnt that we would be running a cafe for 3 days a week every 5 weeks. Slightly daunting, but looks so fun. I also met the other people on the course, im doing... all 6 of them. So for the first year we are with all hospitality students and have 2 sessions a week just on our own.

Half an hour after I got back my friend came over, we sat around, and they decided to test the fire alarm, even after the drill this morning, only for 10 secs luckilly. So we went to subway for lunch.
He left as he had more induction, so I went back to bed. Got 30 mins kip in before my mate let me know he was free again. Que youtube, until we got evacuated again. May I now name and shame Gilwell Block 1 room 2, dont burn food you plebs.

As we were eating tea... yup another alarm, luckilly the neighbouring halls so no worries. And so here we are, pirate night tonight yay.

First quiet night

2006-09-18T00:34:00.000+01:00

Tomorrow freshers week really starts, unfortunately it starts with a early morning, getting up at 8am!!!
Tonight I havent been to the pub, but have been able to get 3 beers in, thanks to co-op doing a cheap deal.
I've been sat at Pete's all evening watching a mixture of Family Guy and Bottom Live shows; eating pizza and having the aforementioned beers.

If this is the student life... I'm not complaining.

Another night of booze, and how I became a sex god.

2006-09-17T01:20:00.000+01:00

Have just got in from boozing it up.

3 bars tonight, The Fresher and Professor, The Roundabout and Bar Cuba.

Spent the majority of the night at Cuba, good music and reasonable drinks. Roll on tomorrow for 2-4-1 cocktails. Yay.

As for the sex god... well... apparantly noone thought a fat guy could dance; even less thought he could dance reasonably well. Myself included; virtually none thought I could shimmy down to the floor using just my bent knees.
Also maybe being able to carry anyone above my head without straining, I feel my reputation is secure, even if I feel like a pillock when dancing.

Having a lie in for sunday, this uni lark isnt so bad after all.

Well not quite daily

2006-09-16T11:26:00.000+01:00

Ive only just got my internet sorted, so heres hoping its going to stay up.

There has been alot of things going on around here lately, but at the same point, not alot. Mainly drinking. Lots of that going on.
Especially as theres always somewhere doing 2-4-1 or buy two for £5. Lots of cocktails going down the hatch.

Usual start time 8pm, current end time 2 am. And I still have money left so I'm doing something right. Have also started to meet people, its one of their birthdays today. We have even got a cake.

All my flat mates are in, they are a cracking bunch of people, and tidy even when drunk.

Anyway, more tomorrow

Service resumes

2006-09-13T20:03:00.001+01:00

Dont ask where Ive been, its all been a bit manic.

I am now packed and ready to roll, I leave for uni at 11 am tomorrow.

I hope it use this blog on a daily basis, to give short posts on uni life, and also maybe to put how I feel is this shit-your-pants-this-is-scary-and-exciting-and-expensive time.

Be honest, did anyone actually notice that I wasnt here?

Also as of tomorrow, I'm; Plymouth Traveller

I forgotted

2006-08-24T09:22:00.000+01:00

Just a quickie. Cant believe that I didnt blog this...

Got my A level results, 3 good grades, so for the next four years I will be a resident in Plymouth :D

New name? Plymouth Traveller?

Openly Stolen

2006-08-22T21:27:00.000+01:00

If you take the first two letters of your surname; first two of your first name; first two of your mother's maiden name; first two of the county/state you live in - add in that order, you will get your star wars name.

'Coca-Cola' translates to Chinese as 'Bite the wax tadpole'

there is a site on the web with a 24hr web cam pointed at the spot where the second coming of Jesus is supposed to take place.

Shooters Hill in S E London is the highest point, in a straight line, drawn between London & Moscow

Trees break wind.

Yield gracefully when someone pushes in front of you. Then you can stab them in the back...

there are 256 different words for 'rice' in China

Panama hats are made in Ecuador.

Thanks to IWOOT.com

Ok so maybe I lied about it being the last one

2006-08-05T16:34:00.000+01:00

Im sat here at Bristol Airport, bored. Its busy. I hate crowds and people. Especially kids.

Last night I noticed that for the past week, I have been drinking organic milk. Why hadn't I noticed this before? Simple because it tastes exactly the same as good old fashioned milk.
Only when I strained my taste buds really hard did I notice a change to the taste, and If anything it was a little more watery than before. And I'm paying extra for that?

Now I have nothing against people who insist on eating veg with dirt on them, over the cleaned stuff we are used to in Tescos, but why pay more for a slightly inferior product?

Feel free to discuss, I will be back in 14 days.. Enjoy the peace.

Never hope for something to do on quiet days.

2006-08-04T18:04:00.000+01:00

This will be my last post for two weeks, because as of tomorrow I'm in Croatia for a fortnight.

This week I have seen two films, Cars and Superman Returns. The first was extremely good (look out for cameo by Jeremy Clarkson) and may be one for the collection. The second was ok, but lacking in action scenes.

Otherwise I have been in a state of suspended boredom. Trying not to get too excited before I go away, and therefore being even more bored waiting for it.
So going to oxfam today would seem to be a good idea, talking to customers and staff and generally relaxing for 5 hours.
Small problem.. We were dead today, takings were lousy, and even then the usual people to come in and mill around didn't appear.

So when one of our volunteers (who shall remain anonymous) came in, and she is not known for being quiet, I thought at last something to do, even if it is put the kettle on and have a chat.
So she potters around, sorting out her shoe displays ( we all have our own little areas), an she walks out to the back room to find some more supplies.
A minute later I hear her call my name to find her looking at a fire extinguisher lying on the floor; not a problem I think, she just wants me to pick it up. Did I mention she is nearly 80 years old?

It was then that I saw the cloth on her leg, and seconds later I saw the blood... Lots of it. It was on the floor, her leg and shoe were covered and it seemed like she had a lot more to give out.
Seeing that I was the only one there with any degree of First Aid training, I grabbed the first aid box. Now as the unofficial H&S Manager of the place ( well I seem to end up with all the H&S adverts anyway) I have to check the box to ensure it was all there, this helped me in just being able to grab exactly what I wanted. Antiseptic wipes and a sterile bandage.

It was once I was on my knees that I saw the wound, a 1 inch by 1/4 inch gash that was gushing with blood. Realising that my little antiseptic wipe would do sod all, I reached for the bandage, and remembering all that my scout training had taught me tied it off just above the wound.
My patient was now in shock, and looked a wee bit pale, so sitting her on a low stool I raised the leg to help. My first thought was get it higher, but the only way to do that was to sit her on the floor, but she would never get up from there. So I grabbed a duvet and thought that would have to do.

Next thing was to call her daughter, only 2 shops down, to get her here and arrange for hospitalisation. She was going to need stitches. Her daughter arrived and quickly told me that she didn't have a car, so an ambulance was called. I'm quite pleased and smug to be able to say that the checklist that they read off to me (things I must do etc...), wasn't needed as the bases were all covered.
As it was a non life threatening call, they would be with us within an hour, this was fine, although the tea that was being brewed wasn't allowed to be given.
Two very nice ambulance ladies turned up 20 minutes later, and inspected the wound. It had luckily stopped bleeding, although my bandage was a very deep red. No wonder she felt a wee light headed. She even managed to walk out to the ambulance.

*****(SMUG BIT APPROACHING)*****

The ambulance people turned to me and asked me who had did the first aid, I replied it was me and they said I couldn't have done a thing better. Not bad for someone who hasn't had any training in over 10 years, and then that was cubs stuff. :D

*****(SMUG BIT OVER)*****

I have noticed a pattern at the shop, whenever I have time off, the shift before I have a medical incident to worry about. Last time a lady caught her hand in the door and broke a finger. Ah well more paperwork for the boss to worry about when she gets back from her hols.

***UPDATE***

She is at home and still as head strong as ever.

New month, new post.

2006-08-01T09:32:00.000+01:00

Ah August is here, and its bloody colder than July!!! No matter, in 4 days time I will be jetting off to Croatia to spend 2 weeks doing sod all in warmer climates.

As well as it being a new month, I have this morning received my new phone. The last one being a bit well used, and smelling like a tramps bed; due to a heavy drinking session a while back.
I now have the Motorola PEBL, why they cant be arsed to spell it right I don't know.
I will also have a new mobile number, however this will be texted to everyone on my current mobile shortly.

Here's something that has been making me wonder for the last few hours. I haven't been able to sleep so I started to watch Downfall, a fantastic movie about the last few weeks of the German Third Reich. I managed to ask myself a question... Please discuss the answer.

If Hitler had not committed the mass genocide of the Jews, would we see him simply as the most successful defeated leader the world had ever seen, (Like Kaiser Wilhelm but better at it?) and not the monster he is known as today?
Also if the Jews hadn't been systematically destroyed, would the state of Israel exist, and therefore would we have so much conflict in the Middle East today?

Prove my point then

2006-07-31T18:56:00.000+01:00

Last night I spread the word about stupid people doing things when drunk.
Today we have a perfect example of stupid people doing stupid things... Possibly drunk.

Vandals cause massive power cut.
Burning tyres were thrown into a duct carrying high voltage cables.
A fire in an electricity sub-station started by vandals cut supplies to 27,000 homes in Birmingham.
By mid-morning on Monday 8,000 homes and businesses were still without electricity supplies.
Electricity officials said they were working flat out to restore power to the remaining homes.
Burning tyres were thrown into the sub-station in Saltley, starting the fire just before midnight on Sunday. Flames leapt 30ft (10m) into the air.
Homes in the Ward End , Bordesley Green, Erdington, Aston and Hodge Hill areas have been affected by the power cut.
By 1000 BST, 8,000 homes remained without power.

How stupid can people get, what's worse is the fact that they endangered lives in the process.

Electricity supplies at Heartlands Hospital were automatically switched to another source so that no patients were affected.
A hospital spokeswoman said that efforts had been made to keep demand to a minimum by using fewer computers and other electrical appliances so as to reduce pressure on supplies.

But what would happen if an ICU bed failed? Would the little bastards get done for manslaughter? Probably not.

With thanks to the BBC for most of this article.

I'm Back

2006-07-30T13:07:00.000+01:00

10 days without a post. I almost feel guilty. But sod it.

I've been working my tits off at the hotel again. Finally I can now say that I never have to go there again. Well at least not until xmas.
I worked my last shift in the bar, which was a thoroughly enjoyable way to end my 3 years at the hotel. But as always someone had to make a twat of themselves.

First of all, one of the guests decided he needed to throw up, so he did it in the middle of the bar, 20 yards away from the gents. Cue sawdust and chemicals.

Second, after sufficient booze, one guest decided to destroy the forementioned gents, by ripping off every available pipe that he could see. Luckily the carnage was limited to the urinals, but if he could had gotten into the pipes under the sinks, I'm sure they wouldn't be there now.

The hotel had already decided to refurbish all public toilets at the end of August, looks like that will be brought forward.

The hotel is also on a major money saving drive, by cutting down on all hourly staff. This is for three reasons:

Toilet refurbishment.

The company is building a second hotel opposite, this will be cheaper at around Â£70 a night rather then Â£144-Â£166. But it will be more technology driven.

Because of the newer rooms that will be available, the 3rd floor of the hotel also needs major refurb, as thehaven'tent been touched in many a year and are frankly past it. There littlette or no working aircon on third. The rooms themselves are still with the original decoration too.

Also the fact that most major projects that are taken on, usually go over budget, over time and therefore get done a little bit cheaply. Ask anyone in the restaurant about the terrace roowasn'tsnt touched after restaurant refurb - ran out of cash), or about the new meeting rooms, possibly the cheapest and worst planned idea yet. (See conf ops)

Two bad nights at work in a row

2006-07-21T00:35:00.000+01:00

WHY IS EVERYTHING CRAP?
WHY DO PEOPLE NOT SAY THANK YOU WHEN YOU HOLD A DOOR FOR THEM?
WHY WHEN I START TO FEEL HAPPY AGAIN DOES EVERYTHING GO TITS UP?
WHY DOES MAYONNAISE HAVE TO BE SO BAD FOR YOU?
WHY CAN'T I HAVE A PUPPY?
WHY DO I HAVE TO STOP BEING FRIENDS WITH PEOPLE I LIKE?
WHY DO I WANT TO SIT AT MY DESK AND CRY?
WHY WON'T PEOPLE JUST LET ME BE?
WHY DON'T I GET PAID THE SALARY OF A FOOTBALLER?
WHY IS EVERYTHING SHIT?

Itchy, sweaty, hot and tired.

2006-07-19T00:02:00.000+01:00

Horrible day in work, have not long got back.

1) Woman fell in bathroom injuring self
2) Man blew all fuses in room by ironing
3) Same man decided to iron in corridor
4) Somehow an area not 30 yards from said man lost all lighting
5) Tour of 30 turned up with 45 huge bags
6) Tour turned out to be Israeli and were rude, arrogant and bastards, especially the tour organiser who is the only one who could speak English
7) Tour couldn't work out how to open bedroom doors and complained that keys didn't work
8) Driver informed us that tour are idiots
9) Tour complain bitterly about air con in rooms
10) Tour all demand fans as its still hot, 16 rooms 3 fans
11) Gents urinal in staff room blocks
12) I am sent into loft to locate stopcock... Which isn't up there
13)I am itchy from insulation
14) Its 30 degrees inside work

Irony

2006-07-14T23:47:00.000+01:00

Bloody hell, a whole week since the last post. Nothing unusual on this blog I accept, however normally I can remember what's happened between blogs.
For the past week, there hasn't really been a day that I haven't been doing something work related.
I've either been at work to work, at work to collect or drop off stuff, or talking to work on the phone. The most time I have managed to be away from the place this week is 12.5hrs.

Now if I had an interesting job such as 'Tom Reynolds', or the writing ability of 'Weevil' I would always have something to write about. But I'm not... So there.

One thing that did happen today though...
I went into work 15 mins early for a meeting on Health and Safety in the Workplace. It took about 45 mins, and was my boss basically stating the obvious. However obvious or not, accidents do happen, as I so ably demonstrated only 4 hrs later.

I was carrying a modesty board to the cupboard that they belong in, when my bleep went off. Its a bit like a crap mobile phone, and has the ability to send voice calls only; but only when in range, and there seems to be no range on the thing at all.
Anyway it went off, and it caught me by surprise, sending me stumbling, only to headbutt the fore-mentioned piece of timber.

For my troubles... A developing black eye, and a shattered ego.

Something to remember

2006-07-07T23:41:00.000+01:00

As we are all aware, a year has passed since the incidents of the 7th of July. Indeed while this was a major incident, and I am in no means trying to belittle anyone involved with it, and certainly in no way intending to insult the dead, I too have my own story of sadness that took place one year ago. 450 Miles from London.

At precisely 00.00.40, the cousin of a friend of mine, who also happens to be a good friend, took his last mechanically induced breath. He had been in hospital in Inverness for 3 weeks, and for the last 48hrs had been on a ventilator in ICU. He was born with major deformities in his heart and lungs, and despite the best treatment by doctors all attempts to save him failed.

In the 17.9 years of his life, he had ignored opinions of how long he should live, the first being only 6 weeks, then 6 months then 6 years. After that the doctors just gave up, he was going to be one stubborn bastard.

During these years he had been selected for transplants, with eventually all of them being rejected by his body. The last attempt was to replace one lung when he was 16, this failed. He was then left with the inevitable thought that he wasn't going to live a full life, by this time he had learnt to accept this.
A week before he went into hospital his health took a threatening turn for the worse, he became housebound and the prognosis was not good.

He then took the slightly obscure idea of having a brief video conference with his friends as to the situation. We all tried to remain upbeat, as did he, however everyone knew what the outcome was going to be. For his closest friends the hardest part was a request by him to ensure that his funeral and his wake lost none of his character. Immediately suggestions of a piss up were given much to general amusement.

We decided on the creation of a CD to be played at the wake, with everyone choosing one or two songs that summed up our collective personalities.
Here are a few of my favourite suggestions that made the list.

See you later alligator
Who wants to live forever
Baba O'Riley
The show must go on
Jerusalem
Wake me up before you go go
Staying alive
You win again

As you can see we all have a very warped sense of humour.
The funeral was in a very picturesque town just north of Aviemore in Scotland, with the wake in Inverness. (don't ask)

So whats the reason behind this post? Its a reminder that life goes on (or not in this case) outside of what is on the news. For me 7/7 isn't just a moment of national unity, but also a moment of personal reflection outside of what everyone else may think. I received the news of my friends passing at 14:40 7/7/2005, by which time we all new of what was happening in London. However none of that seemed significant, and for a small time I didn't care either.

On reflection I realise that this is just one of many that died that day, not just in the UK, but around the world. But for me 7/7 will always mean more for me than a state of collective grief.

P.S apologies for the waffling, but this is the best way I could think of putting thoughts to text.

Tripping

2006-07-01T19:03:00.000+01:00

Scotland was good, spent a lot more than I should have. Always a sign of a successful trip :) Not too hungover either.

Today I travelled north once again, however this time a more subdued 80 miles to Birmingham. Why....? Why not? Travelled by train, and took advantage of the upgrade to First Class for Â£10 deal. So after complimentary snacks, drinks and wider seats I was ready to see what was so great aboutEngland'ss second city.

After negotiating Birmingham New Street Station, and emerging from its cavernous internals, I was faced by the Bullring. Theydon'tt seem to have made a total hash of it like Wembley. Inside its huge, three floors of 160 stores, with some departmental stores reaching 4 or 5 floors. Names such as Debenhams and Selfridges, Dixons and Starbucks create an all together pleasant experience. It seems very bright and airy inside, way better than the Galleries back home.

After wandering around inside for an hour or two we headed out to find if there was a 'High Street' to speak of; only to exit and then walk straight into another shopping centre. So another hour of browsing and contemplation of how to get suchextravagance'ss back to the train. By accident we took a wrong turn and appeared on the High Street itself. Walking along in the 30Celsiuss heat we tried to make sure wedidn'tt look too much like tourists.

Surpriseesurprisee we ended back at another mall, this time slightly smaller but with more high street names. More astonishingly enough was another mall that we didn't venture into, as it compiled nothing but eating establishments.

So it would seem that Birmingham centre is infact a number of malls that are interconnected by areas of Non-Air-Conditioned street sellers. I say this because although there may be a high street to speak of, theres guaranteed to be a way into the same store via the door from the mall.

In other news, England are out of the World cup; as I speak someone is driving around tooting their horn, while an ambulance screams away to pick up the latest suicide victim. Ah well only another 10 weeks til the rainy season, then we can go back to being the miserable bastards we usually are :D

By eck tis cold!

2006-06-27T08:53:00.000+01:00

I'm off to Scotland this morning. Sat here at the compy, I've just noticed how un-naturally cold it seems today. I was watching the Weather forecast on the BBC this morning and apart from cloud, it looks like it will be a pleasant day. With no forecast of rain for the duration of my stay.
However switching to ITV, they were proud to announce that a very inconvenient band of wet weather stretches across all areas of Scotland that I intend to be in. Glasgow and Edinburgh mainly.

So do I pack the rain coat, or hit it out Stiff Upper Lip and all that.? Well considering that I have already packed, with only a jumper and umbrella, it better be bloody sunny.

See you all on Thursday

Job done!!!

2006-06-24T11:07:00.000+01:00

Wahey

Finally I have now passed the only test I had left until university. I am now legally allowed on the roads to go where ever I please whenever I please. One small point... No car.
Will have to poke the parents a bit more.

On Tuesday I am off to Scotland. To get drunk... No point lying here. I have a very good friend of mine who has offered to take me there.( The airport that is, not Scotland!!) Not arguing, it would cost me Â£30 each way in a taxi (again to the airport), Â£27 to drive it and park (no car ) and around Â£12 using public transport. Therefore I am deeply indebted to Smiff for keeping me out of debt?!!?

Last thing... This makes me smile.

Let the slacking commence

2006-06-22T13:09:00.000+01:00

The exams are over!!!! Ah the freedom, the bliss, the empty nothingness.

I know you are jealous.

So is it all milk and honey in the world of the Bristoltraveller? No. I'm off to work tonight, and tomorrow night, and Saturday, and Sunday. If its anything like last Saturday I won't wait til August 1st (My official leaving date), I'll go now.

One positive is that next week I'm back off to Scotland to get heavily inebriated, see a play and just get away from whatever it is that I don't want to do down here. Not that I know, but it always shows it's head.

The second positive is that as of next Saturday my allegiances change at work, from then on the Bar has my priorities rather than my current position. Change is good, enough said.

The third positive is that in 5 weeks my dad comes home, after 4 1/2 months away. I know he says he's a Chief Engineer on a cruise ship, but when he is transferred out to Tahiti, you do have to wonder what the hell he is getting upto.

That means that in 6 1/2 weeks I'm off to Croatia, for two weeks in the sun. Which means by powers of observation that in under 6 1/2 weeks I would have quit my job.

So it all seems to be getting rather good for me at the moment. Especially now that the diet has made me loose 1/2 a stone in only a week. Yet the phrase... Famous last words will probably come back to haunt me.

10 kilometres under the sea.

2006-06-14T16:11:00.000+01:00

The whole revision thing is trundling along nicely. With my exams getting closer, I am surprised to find that my blood pressure is still at its usual sedate levels.
what's more important is that I have managed to get back into the diet with a vengeance and start swimming regularly again. This time it WILL work.

I have now done 10km over two weeks, which means that I am averaging 50 lengths every time that I go swimming. Sometimes I do more.. Such as when its busy and I then get more lengths from weaving around the bods.
However I still haven't managed to reach my goal of getting back up to my former rate of 64 lengths a time. Ah well at least its doing the body some good.

What I find even more annoying than my lack of progress is the negative progress of others in the pool. Especially housewives and elderly women. Now this isn't and ageist or even sexist complaint, however I was under the impression that swimming pools were meant for swimming in, and cafes we for chatting in. I mean they wouldn't be happy if I just sat in a cafe doing nothing would they? So why should they be allowed to sit in the pool and not swim?!

So please if you are sat in the pool, and see people giving it their all aiming at you, please have the grace to move aside... And you never know, you may just loose some weight while you are doing it.

Revision, with a Splash of Swimming and a Dash of Sunbathing

2006-06-09T10:04:00.000+01:00

Greetings

I now have just one week until my first exam, and like the mystical bitch that she is... fate has made it the one I can't revise for. Its an ICT exam, where all the work is done before hand and all I have to do is tick boxes. Fun.

Now it may seem like a good thing that the first is blissfully easy, however with all this revision getting one of the other biggies would have been better. That way I could just revise for one other and not have to think about the ICT. However as it stands I have to do the easy one first, and then panic over the weekend until I have the other two.

So you find me this week slaving over books to get my hard exams firmly into my head ready for the time when I may need the information.
However I have also found time to kick start the diet (again) and have been swimming several times this week. Usually 50 lengths a time, I'm trying to work myself back up to my former level of 64 or 1 Mile.

I have also been making use of our natural resources, by that I mean sitting on my arse in the sun with a text book. Problem is that I can never tan, just burn and then go slightly darker afterwards.

Busy Busy Busy, all hands on deck.

2006-06-07T16:29:00.000+01:00

I've just sat down to have some 'me' time, and this is the first chance to get near the blog for nearly 2 weeks. So I hear you cry, what's been going on?

First of all after my last post, about lifts and other things I worked the entire weekend. Getting back at 11pm and then 6pm, at both times knackered. Then we had another bank holiday, in which I spent some time furvishly planning a very impromptu camping trip with a good mate of mine. We ended up just within Devon near Lynton and Lynmouth, at a very nice campsite on top of exmoor. So we spent a very pleasant few days wandering our way around the Devonshire and Somerset borders. Drinking too much, and not having to go near a supermarket once. We ate only from individual butchers, bakers and grocers... And I have to admit to loving it. The choice, and expertise that you just don't get with conglomerates these days.
We went out to small villages to find nice pubs, we used the West Somerset Railway to save on driving, we even got near to the beach. All this was washed down with large quantities of Ice Cream. You have to love Mr Whippy.

After we got back its been work of some sort or another. Revision - exams now under a fortnight away, and work at the hotel, which has now become easier as we have a full department again, after begins chronically understaffed for ages.

Yesterday to give myself a break I decided to get the garden furniture back out after its 8 month hibernation. I spent a pleasant hour putting the table, bench and chairs back together. Now all my mum has seemed to have done is lie out there for the last few days.

Right gtg, revision calls.

In times of peril what would you do?

2006-05-26T21:26:00.000+01:00

There are few things in this world that I dread. The top three- in no particular order are:

Spiders - Size no object I hate them all.
Being Stuck In Lifts - Don't ask I just don’t like it.
Death of My Parents - Enough Said.

So it was not hugely gratifying to find myself in a situation the other day that required me to deal with one of these problems.
Let me start from the beginning:

On Wednesday I and a few of my friends decided to rendezvous in Southampton (I have well spread friends) so that we could meet up, shop and drink. At the same time I was going over to SMC Marchwood across Southampton water to see my brother and deliver some things from home. This accomplished I turned to my friends and we all decided to go and see what the town had to offer.

For those who do not know So'ton the high street is raised in comparison to the docks, and then there is another retail area (bit like the venue at Cribbs Causeway- but bigger).

The easiest way to get to this area would be to walk through a popular supermarket, out to the top floor of the attached car park which puts you on floor 10. There are 6 lifts that go down to street level in seconds. So in the group of us get (5 in total) and press floor 1, the doors close and we descend watching the little display for where we are. 10 - 9 - 7 (3 do odds, 3 do evens)- 5 - BANG, CLICK -"bugger".
We stopped, quickly. With no movement from the lift car we were a little concerned, especially when the idea of press any floor to get us out didn’t seem to work. It was then we noticed the LED display, 5 - 3 We couldn’t feel us moving?! - 1 - 11 - 9 - 7 eh? With that I hit the alarm button. Big orange lit up thing with a bell on it.

Now I was expecting something loud, like a bell to ring out and tell all and sundry that we were in a perilous predicament, however we got nothing. And the... ring ring... ring ring... 'in a few moments you will be connected to the call centre' ring ring... ring ring... bloody hell it takes a while to get to India nowadays. The all of a sudden a local accent pipes up... 'Just confirm you are in Lift X of X Car park?' Yes the car has just stopped. 'Ok I will alert the car park attendant and get the engineer out' I will get back to you.

So we were prepared for a long wait, but within 2 minutes 'Bang Thump' someone was on the roof. 'Don’t worry I'm taking you down to the ground floor, it may take a while.' 5 minutes later we were walking out of the lift, presumably some poor bugger had to winch us down. Just as we got out the intercom piped up..'Ok someone should be with you in 20 minutes.' Erm - someone’s on the roof and has let us out... you better speak to him, and with that we walked off, leaving a probably confused call centre taker looking at her screen

I take it then that Car park attendants aren’t meant to climb inside shafts? Frankly we didn’t care, we were just glad to out of there.
I am pleased to announce that no one panicked, although we did all go for a beer after.

I dont have to explain myself!!!

2006-05-22T18:23:00.000+01:00

But I may as well try.

The last week has been one of very mixed emotions, the joy of knowing that I have a bit of time off of work (this is now rapidly dwindling), and the sadness of knowing that my routine of getting up and going to Marlwood is going to end.

We finished school for the final time on friday, and within 48 hrs I was back there. Nothing serious just last of the spring work. It has been a week of drinking, working, sleeping and more drinking, so you will have to excuse the lack of continuity to the blog.

When some stability enters my life I will write some more, maybe tomorrow but probably before Saturday.

Its quiet, so I'll give this a try.

2006-05-13T19:55:00.000+01:00

Tonight I'm at work from 3-11pm. Normally I would have between 3-6 rooms to turn around ((business meeting rooms, not bedrooms(I work in a hotel)) and then I have a list of 20-30 jobs that have to be done over the 3 weekend shifts. Sat 7-3 Sat 3-11 Sun 8-4.

However tonight I have had:

3pm: 2 rooms to do.

3:40: 1 room to do

4pm: Call to room: No sound on t.v. Annoyance rating 3/10. Solve time 3 seconds - plug it in.

4:30: No rooms to do

4:30-5:30 Wander around looking thoughtful.

5:30-6:00: Dinner

6:00-6:20: Car Park check, or an excuse to get some fresh air while checking out the cars in the car park.

6:30-7:30: Do list of cleaning chores given to me by Duty Manager ready for Managing Directors look-a-round this week.

N.b 7pm: Call to room who has locked themselves out of bathroom: Annoyance rating 5/10. Solve time 10 seconds. Smugness factor 9/10 as they cant understand how I did it. I have the ability to hide the handy bit of wire in my hand, unlock the door with it with the one hand, and look blankly at them while doing it.

7:30-8: Cover reception, despite only knowing how to answer the telephone and redirect calls, let alone check people in.

This is a rare thing indeed, a quiet night. I will write up an average night some other time. But i'm off to look busy, before they ask me to do anything too strenuous... hey why should I when theres no immediate need? Besides I'm off tomorrow Muahahaha

Riddle-Me-Ree

2006-05-13T14:12:00.000+01:00

Here’s two for you:

Make 25p using only 2 coins. One is not a 5 pence piece.

A frog is dead in the middle of a pond on a lily pad. The pond is circular and the lily is 10m from any edge. The frog has a jump span of only 5m. How could he get out?

Answers in comments please :D

Descent post tomorrow.

Laughter Lines

2006-05-08T21:46:00.000+01:00

A man is on an airplane and he really really has to use thewashroom, but the men's one is occupied, so the stewardess lets him use the women's with one warning, "Don't press any of the buttons" she says.
So he goes into the washroom, and beside the toilet are 4 buttons, WW, WA,PP, and ATR. Since he's curious, he presses WW, and Warm Water splashes onto his arse. Then he presses WA and Warm Air dries it off. Thinking this is pretty cool, he press PP and Powder Puff poofs onto his butt. Now hes amazed, and he press ATR.
Next thing he knows he's in the hospital. He doesn't know how he got there, so he asks the nurse and says "the last thing I remember is being in the women's washroom and playing with all the cool buttons", the nurse replies, "Yeah, you must have been having a great time'til you pressed automatic tampon removal!"

Well done that B'stard

2006-05-06T10:12:00.000+01:00

On Thursday night, myself and a fellow student went to the Bristol Hippodrome to partake in an evening of merriment and mirth.
We were there to see the latest performance by Rik Mayall (aka Alan B'stard) in The New Statesman; The Blair B'stard Project.
Now as we went I scanned the rest of the audience, a good general mix of young, not so young, not so old and oap's. (Not so old being Middle Aged- I just cant be bothered to justify myself.)

Seeing that we had a good mix of the population of Bristol in the theatre, I occurred to me that the one thing that I shouldn't be expecting was Bottomesque language. This was quickly shattered when within the 2 minutes of the play, the opening line was 'That bloody bu..ering b*@t!rd has done it again!" So guess what the rest of it was like.

The best bits: Tony Blair gets kidnapped; America invades Norway - With their top Desert Troops; B'stard takes over the Labour Party; Someone blows themselves up; Someone else gets blown up; and B'stard finally has his way with his secretary.
The whole thing ends with the soliloquy: "Well not a bad days work really, I got Condoleeza off my back, Flora on her back... And Habibbi, well he just went all over the f!*king place. You were right Tony, things can only get better; Now that B'STARD is in charge!"

So after 2 encores and 4 lots of Mayall bowing on his own to raptuous applause we set off, stopping quickly to purchase a programme and two B'stard rosettes. Well we weren't going to buy them is the play was crap were we?

Bloody Fantastic

2006-05-04T22:42:00.000+01:00

Have just got back from the Bristol Hippodrome after seeing The New Statesman... Epidsode 2006 The Blair B'stard Project. For a review, just look at the title. A propper post tomorrow.

Had my ice cream... And ate it.

2006-05-03T14:51:00.000+01:00

It would seem I had the best of both worlds on Monday, not only did I gain a good lie in, but I also had an impromptu trip to the beach. It started off like any other day at home, being bored and sitting around advertising this effect. But it was the mother that voiced her pococurantism for the time off the most, as she had managed all her weekend tasks already.

So I said the first thing that came into my head, which was... Lets go to Weston-Super-Mare. Not the most wonderful place in the world, full of pregnant 15 year olds, old women and pie and mash shops. In fact let me give you an idea of the beach at Weston.

You have (when the tide is out) a good 1/4 mile of sand reaching out into the Bristol Channel, followed by another 1/2 mile of silt and mud, and then finally around 1 mile out is the sea. So they best beach destination is isn't. It has the alternative title of Super-Mud in recognition of its most bountiful resource.

But I digress... We parked at the southern end of the beach on the beach itself. It marks the end of the Award Winning Section of beach which stretches from the north of Weston to where we were. Around a mile away was ~~the sea~~ the pier Weston's most famous attraction. We set off at a good pace, dodging the people heading back to their cars, over taking grannies, jumping over kids who wanted ice cream but couldn't and were having tantrums and weaving our way around the entire contents of the underage maternity hospital.

It was, it has to be said a very pleasant walk, and the extra 1/2 mile walking along the pier afterwards must have done us some good. We stopped at the end of the pier to use the facilities, and watch all the people feeding coin after coin into the money hungry amusements.
Back at the entrance to the pier are more mini arcades and some ice cream sellers, we indulged ourselves with a 99 each... Costing us £1.50 each.

The walk back was a little dogged by the fact that, a wind had grown and we were sand blasted all the way along the promenade back to the car. It being a bank holiday all the townies from up north were evacuating Cornwall, and despite using alternative routes it still took us nearly three times as long on the way back as it did on the way there.
But it was a nice day, from my memories of childhood there seemed to be just as little sea as ever, the amusements were just as noisy as ever and the prices were as high as ever.

Random thoughts that have no other way of making it into a blog entry.

2006-05-01T10:00:00.000+01:00

Well here we are... Another Bank Holiday! Any more and I may just get used to them; but more likely just start looking for other ways to have a legit lie-in.

Yesterday at work we had two rugby teams in the hotel. One was a serious team that played well, the other were a load of drunkards who had nothing better to do than get pissed for the entire two days that they were there for. I never saw them without a beer in one hand. What was worse was that it was crap beer too, showing that they had no taste what so ever.

The proper team were a problem too, not that they were a nuisance, just that the girls wouldn't do any work and insisted on gawping for their entire shifts.

I have now added another blog to the list on the left, Random Acts of Reality... Bloody good read, and thought provoking.

Work preparation wind down

2006-04-27T17:11:00.000+01:00

Just a quick post today, I'm about to go to work you see. There is a new link on the left, try it and see if you can survive in On the Run

More mindless stuff from Miniclip.

Credit where its due

2006-04-25T18:03:00.000+01:00

For the first time since its opened, Bradley Stoke Swimming Pool has had the honour of having me swim in it. And, as the title suggests I was pleasantly surprised. Now I'm not exactly a brad pitt look-a-like, more the pits really, so I was a little anxious about getting my body out infront of lots of people. Plus having never been there I was unsure of its layout and so taking off my glasses and rendering myself blind didnt seem like a good idea.

The building itself is newer than the leisure centre attached to it, this is because the council ran out of money... Twice. In a further penny saving mode, they made the changing rooms unisex... Not the greatest idea on paper; however with lots of cubicles and lockers it turns out that it isn't a problem. The showers are poolside, so while shampoos can be used, doing a thorough change isn't possible... Especially not while the life guards are looking.

I was also surprised to find the 8 lane pool ( each lane big enough for 2 abreast) to be nearly deserted, there were only 5 of us there. Once I was in the water, everything came back to me. I hadn't been swimming in years, but I found it relaxing to be back.... That and the fact that the water was lovely and warm. I managed 1km today, I'm aiming to get back to my past rate of a mile per swim. This will be easier to do there than use works pool as its only 13 meters so would require more effort, as you cant get a rhythm going.

Overall its good to be getting some exercise again, and to be able to do it in such nice surroundings doesn't really give me much of an excuse not to.

3 Down, 3 To Go

2006-04-22T23:50:00.000+01:00

I am now pleased to report that I have now met 3 of Clan Weevil.
Weevil, Tallboy and The Sun have all now have had the misfortune to have met me. Feel especially sorry for Weevil as she sees me nearly every day of the week.

So all I have to do now is make some elaborate fake brewers fayre story up, and I will have snagged me a meeting with Methane Boy. For Pesky i'm thinking something between Whiskas and Catsan, although not in the same bowl...
As for Step D i'll have to work on it... Maybe something with Orlando Bloom and Johnny Dep? ... In a blender...? Give me some time.

Chop Chop

2006-04-20T15:12:00.000+01:00

The new furniture we had ordered from House of Frasier arrived this morning, yayness. However, its one small downside was that it had to turn up at 7am. Not at my best, I stumbled down the hall to open the door. Outside were two of the most cheerful people I have ever met. I would not believe them when they insisted that they had been up since 3:45 that morning.

Pleasantries over with they got down to work, assembling our new (and very chunky) kitchen table. In all it took around 15 minutes with a tea break afterwards. I cannot believe how much space this thing takes up! It did not look that big in the store.
So we now have seven chairs, a table and an extension for it; and we have space for only the table and four chairs. May have to do a whole house shuffle.

I did manage however, to sort out the demise of our existing furniture. Mainly through the aid of a Black and Decker Power Saw and my good Mallet. I have not had an hour’s fun like that for quite some time. Pure carnage on a forestry scale.
I now have eight bags of neatly destroyed table and chairs, and being the resourceful person that I am, have already arranged for its destruction.

Weevils having a bonfire. Yay.

Normal service will resume shortly..... What's normal again?

2006-04-16T14:52:00.000+01:00

Hello there avid readers of general waffle.

Welcome to the latest edition of N.I.C, where today we will be reviewing that latest happenings of my life. For your own safety leave now.

Since the little story on Wednesday I have been to London on Thursday with the ever fantastic girlfriend. We saw the sights - Big Ben (well the tower that its in), Parliament, St James Park avec Ducks, London Eye (didn't go on it was cloudy) and the monument. Which is 311 steps to the top, so 622 steps top to bottom. That was knackering. We also went shopping on Oxford Street and strolled around Knightsbridge, So a fantastic day, with lots of hand holding and wondering if it would be easier to walk than take the tube. Happy days.

The Friday and Saturday have been the laziest days of the holidays so far, with me generally lying in bed watching Family Guy before going to work in the afternoons.

Today I have been sat at my desk for 5 hours straight doing my food tech coursework. 30 A3 pages of pure rubbish with little or no emphasis on my cooking ability. Really worth the last 4 years of my life.

Ho hum the things we do to get grades, go to uni, leave home and get into debt. :D

Back and relaxed.... So enjoy a quick story.

2006-04-12T20:17:00.000+01:00

Noted law enforcement icon McGruff the Crime Dog was arrested at a local coffeehouse last week where he had arranged to meet what he thought was an underage feline for a sexual encounter. "Fluffy", the feline ingenue he had hoped to meet, turned out to be an undercover officer who made contact with the famous child safety advocate while trolling an internet chat room called "Purrfect Partners".
After obtaining a search warrant, officials seized two computers from McGruff's apartment along with dozens of photos showing him engaged in illicit behavior with female kittens. Ironically, one of the photos portrays McGruff, noted for his slogan "Take A Bite Out Of Crime", playfully nipping one of the cats on the scruff of the neck.
Members of PETA are outraged by the incident and believe that the crime dog's actions send the wrong message. "He's supposed to be setting an example for our children," said PETA activist Joan Furry. "Just because he's an animal doesn't mean he can mistreat other animals."
But local supporters are quick to defend McGruff's actions. Jim Biber, owner of the Slug and Glug tavern said in an interview ''Whaddya expect? He's a dog for Christ's sake. Yeah, it's a little weird that he's goin' after those little kitty cats, but it's not like he's friggin' gay or something."
The shaggy crime fighter is scheduled to be arraigned in court next month and could face up to five years in a federal penitentiary. McGruff's lawyers, however, citing the defendant's clean record and contribution to society, are expected to ask for the minimum sentence of two years probation and community service, which would include cleaning out litter boxes at local animal shelters.

Something for the weekend, and the rest of the time I'm away.

2006-04-03T11:17:00.000+01:00

Hello there.

Quick update: The bed arrived within 6 hours of ordering, assembly took around an hour, and for something that costs less than Â£100 that came in only 2 boxes; its surprisingly sturdy.

Now as of tomorrow I'm not here, and unlike Giles; I have no-one to pass this on to, so you will have to amuse yourselves. To help you with this I would like to draw your attention to the left
-->-->, where you will see some links for some games. Nothing fantastic, but good enough to pass the time.

Challenge: ROLFCOPTER: Beat 276 Kills and have a point score of over 100000.

Right I'm off to make sure I have room for a lot of duty frees. See you in a week.

The end of an era

2006-04-02T12:10:00.000+01:00

It is with great sadness that I hereby announce the death of a good friend of mine. He has supported me through good times, bad times and times of unbearable stress. He has always been there for me, I always knew where to find him. He always had the time for me to sit down and spill my troubles.
I've had dinner with him, read books with him, played games too. Hell I've even slept with him.... Farewell my old bed.

Had you going there for a second didn't I!?

On Friday my bed gave one hell of a crack and suddenly my mattress slid off sideways. Annoying at the best of times, more so because I was nowhere near the bloody thing at the time.
So this morning I have gone out and chosen its successor, and it has a lot to live up to.
I am also testing whether a well known bed deliverer can really do same day delivery... We will see. I do know that I have to put the thing together, so this should keep me occupied for an hour or so.

Interesting really, because I'm only going to use it twice (if it arrives today) and then it will lie dormant for a week when I'm off (hopefully) sunning myself in Jersey.

Pride Comes Before A Fall, or in another word. Fuck it.

2006-04-01T12:24:00.000+01:00

Well here we are again readers, ready to dwell in my own little pool of self misery and my unending belief that the DSA are complete and utter bastards.

Before I start, a quick hello to my driving instructor, nice nick who has had every confidence in me, however that may be about to change. Fantastic bloke & patient (well he has to be).

Anyway back to the DSA (double standards agency). I have just failed my second test... Bugger.
Partly due to inexperience at the wheel, but more likely to having the most miserable bastard of a driving examiner ever. Who by the way also failed me the first time.

Now Mr A (Asshole) is the kind of instructor that looks just like a normal old man. However once you are out of the test centre, he turns into something quite difficult.
He likes to find areas for testing where even instructors wouldn't look for, and trust me NN has tried a few.
So to do my reversing into a confined space, he found me a junction where both roads were at 20%+ inclines, and where they meet is a huge bump of uneven road. Combine that with parked cars everywhere and you get my point.
To do a 3-point-turn he will find the road that is exactly the same length as the car, and then make you do while other learners are watching.
To do an emergency stop, he will find the narrowest and busiest that the law will allow him.

You get the picture not a nice guy. However I passed all maneuvers fine, it was lack of experience with traffic that was my downfall. Still its nice to have a good rant at somebody.
I'm sure that he wont read this, he looks like the kind of person that would have trouble with a cordless phone.

*Deep Breath*

Anyway not to let myself get too down, I have re-booked my test; This time for a Sunday, maybe his day off?

Last one

2006-03-30T14:53:00.000+01:00

Ah the very last lesson of term, after today I have no need to come back for the best part of 3 weeks yay. As you can tell i'm really busy, struggling with my work load and despeately trying to maintain a deadline.

Actually I do have work to do, but I cant be bothered to do it. Bit like a certain year 11 that I know, but thats another story. For the past three days I have been able to have a lie in, and I plan to continue this trend. But something is troubling me, I cant sleep past 9am at the moment. Dunno why, its just a problem.

It does mean that I dont waste some of the day that I would normally spend unconcious, however it also means that I become more and more tired earlier.

All in all a weird week, however looking forward to going on hols next tuesday, so I will be taking a break for a few days. Will prob post more tho until I go.

One two, miss a few

2006-03-28T20:14:00.000+01:00

I have just sat down with my girlfriend to watch the latest Harry Potter film on DVD. Not overly bad, however there were some glaring omissions. I am not going to sit here and recount them all to however, but I will mention one or two other films that seem to skimp on some of the facts.

U571, ahem.... The British did it ALL!!!

Harry Potter also features highly on the bloomers list. Chamber of Secrets and prisoner of Azkaban both had hundreds of noticeable mistakes on them. 205 and 166 respectively. (I didn't work this out, I am just reliably informed.

Star Wars the original comes in with a hefty 208, but the biggest overall offender in Pirates of the Caribbean with 213.

Surely with a budget of millions, they would have corrected most mistakes, but obviously not....Take Wembley for example.

Scratch that one off the list.

2006-03-25T12:03:00.000Z

Well, that does it. I'm officially no longer a LUSH virgin.

Headed out early this morning, 9AM - On a Saturday!!! To head up to Cheltenham. We did this for two reasons. 1) We like the place and 2) I knew there was a Lush shop there.

We could have gone to Bristol, however in a bid not to loose the city of culture... Again, the City Council have decided to dig up everything and knock the rest of it over. I cant face that kind of pressure before I go to work.

So off in the car, we got the Cheltenham in good time, and found parking ontop of Regents Arcade; the same shopping center where a certain shop is located within. Parked and down on the ground we toddled off to our left in search of smellies galore. Went completely the wrong way of course, but we did have a 50-50 chance of that happening.

After a detour into some department store selling nothing of any value, BHS? We about turned and followed my nose to the right place. I have to admit for a brief second I hovered around the entrance, preparing to bite the bullet so to say; however any feelings on anxiousness were slightly relieved when I saw some other bloke buying stuff.

We went in, not quite as spectacularly as Father Ted came out, but we were in none the less. Looking around, I was even more surprised to see another man in there, although he did have a "When are we getting out of here" kind of face. Pottering around, and resisting the need to put a bit of everything in a bag we selected the items that we wanted to try and headed to the till.
Where we were greeted by a male store worker, well that did it for me.
And it should for you too!

Throw away your misconceptions of the store and jump in, head first. Trust me your nostrils demand it. Its not just for girlies who like smellies, they do a range of beard busting shaving creams too. Weevil would be proud of me.

Burn your brain, do history

2006-03-23T12:46:00.000Z

As mentioned earlier in previous blogs, for my history personal assignment I have to write up around 2500 words on a subject of my choice. To aid me I have a plan of 300 words and an optional 2500 words of notes. Now if you have read my previous blog, you would know that these notes help nobody.
So today I have started to write my assignment up with only my plan. In an hour and a half I managed 1700 words mainly from memory. Not bad eh?

But my brain now hurts like hell. So I'm going to end here. I'm hoping to end it tomorrow as im only aiming for 2300 words.

One other thing I want to add, my girlfriend is fantastic... I know she reads this :)

Learn History, Jump through Hoops.

2006-03-20T15:08:00.000Z

Today marks the day when all students studying History at school must sit down and write up a self prepared essay from memory. Doesn't sound too difficult right? Especially as you can choose the subject matter.

Here's where it gets tricky. You are allowed a 300 word plan, this can not be just a section of essay, it has to be structured. Ok not too bad so far.

You are not allowed any texts, sources or access to any other areas of information.

You are allowed to use word processing only.

doesn't seem unreasonable.

And as a gesture of good will the exam board allow you to have 10 pages of A4 notes, or 2500 words to help you. Hooray?!

Well its not that easy, it has to be paragraphs, and these can not be in anyway like you essay. Here's an example of what I mean.

LG: CiC + CoC of B101 ->LG.... Gibberish as you may agree. To me however this means something. LG= Leopoldo Galtieri Commander in Chief, and the Chain of Command of Battalion 101 leads back to him. Therefore meaning he was the one who told B101 to go and kill 10000+ people. Get it? No neither do I. But these are such things that you have to do to complete A-Levels.

Yay.

Not long now.

2006-03-17T21:46:00.000Z

Bit of sad news first, my Dads off back to his boat tomorrow, so I wont see him until July. :(

Good news:
Only 10 school days left until we break up for two and a half weeks. I really need this break, simply because my brain is currently on meltdown.
Also during the break I'm off to Jersey for a week with my Mum. This should be good, not only is she paying for it all, but she doesn't know anything about the place, unlike me. This will be my third trip to the island.

More good news. A certain manager of mine has less than a month until he leaves!

Even more good news: Only a few weeks until I got to London with a friend.

Fantastic News: Only 5 school weeks until we finish school all together.... Wait that means I have exams Â¬_Â¬

Damn.

Do people really fool for such things?

2006-03-15T15:24:00.000Z

Ah Wednesday, my favourite day of the week. Because of my lesson that I have.... Only a double History. Throughout my two years at VI Form these two 50 minute periods have always been one of merriment, and there was always the guarantee that we would never a: work for more than half the time and b: that we would never last 100 minutes, maybe 70, most often 65.
And today is that wonderful day. But its just got better, we are doing personal assignments, giving us no reason to attend what so ever.

The reason I'm so happy is thus: I got up at 11am today and loved it.

So after doing a reasonable amount of work this morning, I decided to bring the TV out of its retirement (it retired at 11:30 last night, so 15 hrs isn't bad - my TV is not 65 years old either.) and set it to work. Now SKY is a wonderful creation, it allows all people who really want their own TV channel to own one. Needless to say everyone who actually wants their own TV channel shouldn't be allowed one.

The same can be said for magazines, and people who want to work in advertising. Let me demonstrate the latter two examples of my argument. While exercising my right to channel surf I came across an advert for - now I may have the name wrong - NEW Magazine?!!?
So what does it provide? The advert has a little counter at the bottom that runs up to 60, and they have a variety of people reading off a list of total clap. Celebrities, shoes, shames etc.... You get the idea, total trollop in a magazine.

What got me was that the counter at the bottom wasn't the most accurate piece of mathematical apparatus ever, for example it managed to skip from 25 to 30, 37 to 40 and 46 to 49 and in many other places as well. All this leads upto the magical, if slightly inaccurate number of 60 and the selling point is read out, 60 things for 60p!

Well if you believe that, you will believe anything.

I recall a car manufacturer did the same a few years ago by saying they voluntarily put their cars through 130ish criteria to be allowed to sell. It turned out that one of the categories was seat belts - a legal requirement, windscreen wipers and my favourite 4 wheels and an engine.

Wanted: A nuclear device with a 400ft radius.

2006-03-13T15:42:00.000Z

Last night, just as I was heading out the door to work, I stepped in a puddle. Not normally a problem, but as I was about to continue my journey I was aware of a cold feeling coming over my foot. Looking at my shoe I realised all too late, that there was a hole in the soul, about the size of a 20 pence piece. Not good.

So this afternoon, we at the BT estate decided to take a trip to Brantano. Ignoring the crap Muzak, crap advertising and the next-to-useless shop assistants; the shoes aren't that bad. Plus they go up to a size 14. I'm only a 12, but there's always a growth spurt when you cant find big enough shoes.

So trundling through the selection of work shoes, trying a few on, sometimes mixing pairs just to see the result. I decided on a nice pair of black slip-ons. I sometimes have to go to work for 7am, never in the right frame of mind to tie laces.

The whole experience took around 20 minutes, a very respectable time for someone who just wanted his old shoes, but new. Realising that there was a good part of the day left we trundled around a few of the other shops that make up the Abbey Wood Retail Park. Matalan, Woolworths and Next Clearance they are all here; and today they were just full of rubbish. Now in the past they may have served their uses, however it wasn't the same today. Piles of stuff just thrown around. I know worn look clothing is meant to be in, but Christ, not worn in this way.

So my personal recommendation is this. Put a small nuclear device in the middle of the car park and blow the lot to hell. No-one would miss it. Perhaps we could have something useful there instead. And to show I too will sacrifice something, I'll put off my growing plans for now.

Known me since yay high? I was born 5 ft tall!

2006-03-12T20:43:00.000Z

My Mum, in one of her contemplating moods was sitting at the table this morning, her copy of the paper all laid out in front of her. She had insisted of fetching the papers from the shops this morning, on the basis of the fact it was snowing and she was feeling childish.

Sat there reading, probably an article on north sea dolphin frying/global warming- same thing?? She began to recite the story of my birth, not what any 18 year old wants to hear just after waking up. Well to be truthful, I wasn't awake, not by a long shot.

She told me that the first thing that my Dad knew about it was when he got a knee in the back, rolling over, this kind and caring creature, told my dear mother to 'go have a shower, I'll be up after.' Only to be told, that she had already had a shower and to move his mortal rump out of bed.

Setting off from home, he stopped off at the papershop (it was a Sunday, and they had bought a copy of the paper for my brothers birthdate), he purchased a Times for me - incredibly bright from the beginning- and a copy of the daily torygraph for himself. A quick drive to Southmead later and my Mum was installed into the bed- hers for the next 6 hours.

My Dad as I have said, is a kind and considerate man, therefore he promptly made sure that my mother was comfortable and sat down in a huge armchair to read his paper. After 10 minutes a Nurse berated him, asking 'Why are you not by her side, rub her back for christsakes!' to which his reply was 'Because I have another 102 pages yet!'

Needless to say he lost that argument and spent the rest of the time, back rubbing.
And that's where he stayed until I was ready.
He did have one other duty as tea boy.
I was a thirsty baby, but somehow his tea sent me straight onto coffee.
As Abraham Lincoln once said:
"If this is tea, bring me some coffee, and if it's coffee, bring me some tea!"

Forget Me Not

2006-03-10T17:17:00.000Z

We are all aware that the country as a whole is becoming dumber. In fact judging by some of the Herberts at school, most people should be rolling around in their own excrement all day.
However for all of you that are able to communicate past a 3rd year level here's some new words that you should try to include in your daily banter.

For those of you who are struggling, definitions are included free of charge :)

pilfreiconcialimoniousibbialconnairibaliconndenialscalinisi-blancisirrhoisoicitis - a type of throat disease, so why call it a sore throat?

mississippischaufelraddampferkapitnsmtzenfabrikbesitzer - double points for this one as its in German, it means: a mississippi paddle wheel steamer captain cap factory owner

otiose - Means, roughly, "too complex/arrogant/whatever to be dealt with right now." But, the word is rare and obscure enough that just using it automatically means that you're being otiose yourself...

defenestratede - out, fenestra- Latin for window. defenestrate- to throw something(one) out of a window.

Those of you up for a challenge, look up the meaning of these words.

charnk
crwth
lilliputian
misogynist
moribund
spatchcock
twitterpated

Good Luck, Class Dismissed.

Unleash the dogs of War

2006-03-08T10:32:00.000Z

Section 1:
Recently there has been some trouble surrounding myself and some certain members of the lower years. In short they are being weigh anchors. Once this had been reported to the appropriate authority, I was given some subtle advice. "Whatever you do, don’t hit them. Because you would probably kill them. However by all means feel free to use psychological warfare at all times."

This was a godsend, a ticket to do some serious sabre rattling. Not to mention that the fact that these individuals are mostly some jam sarnies short of a picnic. This is going to be fun.

Will report back on the results.

Section 2:
Just a small anecdote from last night. I have decided to take a little trip during April with a good Lady friend of mine to London. Upon booking of the tickets online I had an experience that didn’t quite seem right.

*WARNING MINOR RANT APPROACHING*

Upon looking at the national rail website there was a multitude of fares from Bristol to Paddington. Many seemed to be in the region of £100 for two. However there were some Advanced fares around. As I clicked on one, it promptly disappeared. Annoyed, I had a brainwave and decided to book direct with the train operator in question. Where they follow an almost identical booking system. However where the fares were displayed some were completely different to what I had been told previously. Arg. I had my eye set on one ticket in particular and I was going for it.
So back to the NR website, where there was for some reason, no availability on any service!!!!?? *Deep breath*
Jumping once more back to the service operators page I was shown the same data. I felt like giving up at this point.

Yet I persevered and with a little tweaking of some settings, back to my original search parameters, +/- 1 or two changes. I got the fare I wanted. Perfect quote and everything. So quickly grabbing my card I prepared to enter my details. To only be asked by NR which operator I was going to use, and being promptly redirected to them. *Sigh*

But as they had quoted me a price it was mysteriously available with the new site. So I have my tickets, I have lost some hair. But by God I’m going to London, even if it kills me.

*ADDITIONAL*
Have just arrived home, and the tickets that I booked at 3.30 last night arrived at 9am this morning. Hows that for quick service?

Way on down south, in London Town.

2006-03-06T19:58:00.000Z

Having had only 5 hours of sleep between last night and this morning, I was rather less receptive to my wake up call this morning than usual. It wasn't helped by the fact that my waking this morning happened at the tender hour of 5:30.

I was off to the Capital with 50 other VI form students to attend an open session with our local MP Steve Webb. He had arranged for us to arrive at the New Palace of Westminster (to give it its full title) or the Houses of Parliament to you and me for a tour of the entire building. This morning the Lords and the rest of the MP's had been given a lie in, and so we were able to view all the chambers including the House of Lords and the House of Commons. Much to our amusement there were warnings of 'don't sit down on the red chairs, you aren't a Lord' Tee Hee. Needless to say some people had a quick bottom shuffle along the benches.

After this we descended to the basement level, along a passageway, under the main road and into a very nice, new office block situated next to the Palace. Here we were given the chance to grill three MP's, one from each of the main party's. Unfortunately we didn't quite get the flames high enough to claim any points over any of them, but we did make one of them break a sweat.

By this time it was 12:45 and we had until 2:15 to go out and explore the surroundings and grab some lunch. A friend and myself dashed to the Underground and promptly ended up on Oxford Street. After a quick trip to Selfridges (the only UK supplier of Root Beer.) we walked around looking for somewhere sensible to purchase appropriate nourishment. Unfortunately both Pizza Hut and Subway were full, so we trotted off to the only other option left, Boots. Â£3.30 later and it was time to head back to Saint Stevens Gate at the Palace to rejoin our group so that we may be able to go to the Strangers Gallery. (For those of you who are 'PC' its now called Visitors Gallery.) We sat up there for 30 minutes in which time we saw Tessa Jowell during her departmental questions, as these are selected a week previously, no on was able to ask anything of her Husband.

After our time in the Palace we headed back to the nice office block and we sat down for an hour session of 1 on 50 with Steve Webb. I have nothing but praise for this man, he is completely honest and selfless.

So here concluded my day in London, but in closing there is two other points worth mentioning.
One is that not only did we see Mrs or maybe Ms Jowell but we also saw Boris Johnson- the legend, and George Galloway- the Twat.
Two is that for once...Thee Underground was all working right when we needed it.

All in all, a good day by all.

Beware the Eyes of March

2006-03-04T22:32:00.000Z

Well hello there.

Just to let myself know really... But there are now only 76 days until study leave begins.. yay.
Not a lot going on here at the moment. Apart from work as usual, but you do enough of that to want to hear about mine. You do want to hear about it??... Well.... Well I don't want to talk about it, so there! Got you that time.

I have to put out a message of thanks to my good friend Weevil's step son.... Methane Boy.
For those of you who read this should have by now, seen the inspiration link, clicked it and read its contents. Therefore you will all know that Methane Boy tinkers with the home made alcohol business, and as a witness makes a bloody good wine.

I followed cossack's (click inspiration dammit) lead and spend the bank breaking amount of Â£5 to purchase some Elderberry Wine. As described it has the most fantastic colour, light generallydoesn'ttpenetratee the center; and the aroma it gives off is wonderful. It is very sweet which may lull you into a false sense of security, because it has got quite a kick on it.
Its a good one for port lovers. (ME!!)

So here's to MB, may his tinkering continue, as long as hedoesn'tt blow the roof off.

18 + 1 Week

2006-03-03T21:56:00.000Z

Well would you Adam and Eve it... One week after my 18th and I still haven't used any of the so-called benefits.

I've been near a pub once, and even then it was a flying visit to see someone quickly and leave. I was contemplating buying a beer from Somerfields when I went to go and get my lunch, however it soon dawned on me that without a blessed bottle opener, I would be out of luck.
I knew that there wasn't one anywhere near Oxfam where I volunteer on a Friday; because I had spent the best part of 20 mins looking for one for a customer. *Sigh*
And there was no way in hell I was buying the only single can thing they sell.... Wife Beater.... I mean Stella Artois. Reassuringly Expensive I think not, especially when you can buy 12 for £5 in places. How good can it be for that price??

I haven't even been to an 18+ movie yet, not my fault but there is just nothing on.

I was ID'd once, on my birthday so got away with it...Butt its true what they say, its no fun when its legal. - Maybe a line for Gary Glitter there :)

Really its been a bit of a boring week, with the slow realisationn that slowly coursework and other bits for exams are creeping up on me at an alarming rate. To think there is only about 77 days left til study leave, and that includes the next holiday we get too!

No snow, but sweet justice.

2006-03-01T21:43:00.000Z

Ah well, all good things come to an end as they say. Apart from the lightest dusting here and there, all the snow has long turned to slush and gurgled its way down the drain.
Bit of a shame really, was hoping for a snow day so that I could have an impromptu lie in.

However there is some good news on the scene. A certain manager of mine who doesn't score very favourably is on holiday for the next week or so. Good times all round. What's even more special is that today, the day before he leaves, he has just contracted what's known as a Novo Virus. Its a lot like Norwalk, in fact its almost identical.
So for him, its two days of no eating, and the worse case of the shits and vomiting that he's ever had. Shouldn't be liking this really, but HA.

In other news, we have just booked two weeks in Croatia, 'The Unspoiled Mediterranean.' Or so the propaganda will have me believe, we will see. What's also good, is that due to my brothers lack of diligence, he has missed his chance of coming by not replying. So I'm getting a room to myself, the control of the TV, and the ability to turn the lights on as soon as I've woken up.

All in all, one good day.

I scream, you scream we all scream for SNOW!!!

2006-02-28T20:23:00.000Z

Its official with only 12 days left until the official start of Spring (March 12th for all those not in the know) its decided to become more wintery than ever. I didnt realise that seasons could make a last ditch cling to life as winter has, but its offical, its still here.... just.

However it has been a weird kind of day. We started off with about 2 oC on the meter, however as soon as the sun came out it was very pleasant and warm. In fact we laughed at the weather mans prediction of blizzards and ice as we strolled between lessons. Bearing in mind that for the last two months if you strolled you froze; today came as some what of a surprise.

So into the middle lessons of the day, and as all great British people do, we started to talk about the weather. Just as we began to sing its praise for delivering the goods, it clouded over, and started to snow, all within the space of 10 minutes.
Shows what we know about the weather.

So lunchtime came, and as I set about my usual slog to do some more work I met up with a good friend of mine. (See fellow student blog). Together we decided that as it was snowing it as good a time to drive the downhill route to go and actually get lunch from Tesco.
So we spent all of our hour break driving around, and testing his Rover Metro's breaks. Squeals of 'theres some unspoilt snow was common place as we emergency stopped our way around the neighbourhood. Interesting results followed, especially when one wheel was spinning faster than the other.

Please note my dear friend is a careful driver and we would never do such a maneuver infront of moving traffic. Not without me looking behind us anyway.

So all in all a good day, with one extra plus point. I scored one over my Dad. He refused to believe a price I quoted him for a product, and after phoning up to order I was proved right.... as usual. :)

News Flash

2006-02-27T21:36:00.000Z

France:
Recently an Art Thief in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

Afghanistan:
Saddam Hussein has been found hiding in a cornfield after a tip off by locals. The American authorities sprayed gallons of Viagra onto the fields, and the prick stood up.

America:
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA have been trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. George W Bush has decided to give them a test. He released a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in.They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!

England:
The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's govt conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish": -- In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"'s in the language is disgraceful, and they should go away. By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaiining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!

Round Up - This will kill your brain, not your weeds.

2006-02-26T20:34:00.000Z

Well its now over a week since I began to write this blog. It seems to be going ok, but in order not to tempt fate I wont say any more on the matter.

Its been a very busy last few days. Friday saw my birthday, but more importantly a chance to go out and party, which I did. We all had a great time at the Thistle Hotel in town, with no-one I care about being too drunk.

Apart from that I've been working at the hotel, its been pure manic. Our £10000 pot wash broke down... again. Third time in two days. So I spent a rather unenjoyable evening transporting dirty dishes from our kitchen to a much smaller pantry like area with a small washer. Then returning the now sparkling ones back to the chefs for them to make dirty again.

Here endeth Saturday.

Sunday was just as bad, but this time we had a wedding fayre. We also had a selection of limos and wedding cars placed all over the front of the building. It was my job to tell the drivers of said vehicles that should there be a fire they would have to move them.
One driver was a little taken back by my answer to his question of "why?" To which I not-so-tactfully answered, 'because if you dont three very large fire engines will move them, and they arn't known for being gentle.' As you can tell 8am on a sunday just makes me so happy.

Happy Birthday to Me, and other things.

2006-02-24T09:42:00.000Z

Oddly enough, this morning passed mostly like any other, with the eternal struggle of my need to get up, and my will actually to do it.
Bleary eyed is an understatement, try cataract eyed and blindfolded. However somehow I managed to get the right limb in the right hole of my clothing and stumble down the stairs to scavenge for food.
The post had not arrived so no huge pile of decorative paper was waiting for me, but what was there was extremely nice.

Not much in the present department either, but that was expected as I had used up my present fund last week on a huge drinking session in Aberdeen.
Yet as I sat down to force some orange juice down my neck, something hit me. Not my mother as expected; but more of the fact that I can now legally vote. Of all the things I can now do legally, that one struck me as being most poignant.
Maybe the fact that going down the pub has been a weekly occurrence for the last 6 months lessened the impact of what my new age can do. Ditto the ability to see 18 movies. The fact is the average guess at my age is 21, therefore I haven’t been ID’d ever.

It also struck me that there are a few things that I cannot yet do, such as hire a car. Depending on what you are after you need to be at least 21 and in some cases 25.

As we draw near to the end of today’s rant, I am just going to go slightly soft and give a dedication to some very dear friends of mine. Not some certain unmentionables that embarrassed me completely the other night, but two unsung hero’s of the IT world.
I am of course referring to Weevil – see the inspiration blog link, and her permanently chipper work mate Baldrick.
They have literally taken me in, well in to their warm, cosy office and have patiently put up with my weekly stupid questions. Supplying caffeine related beverages, and generally a genial time. More honest and hard working people you could not meet.
So here it is, ladies and gentlemen, please fill your glasses, and raise them in a very humble salute to my friends Weevil and Balders.

I can see clearly now. (1 day to go)

2006-02-23T16:17:00.000Z

Well its official, my eyes are now back to their normal terrible state. 5 months ago I had my second squint correction, the first being 14 years ago. However after the all clear today, I am pleased to announce that my vision is back to being just severly short sighted, rather than severly short sighted and all over the place.

In other news, half the hotel seems to be on their death bed, and so, once again I've been called in at last minute to cover for them. Not a problem tonight, but if they think I'm going to work tomorrow they have another thing coming. Plus they have been warned that I'm going to be hungover saturday. Oh well their fault for forgetting really.

Weather: We had SNOW!!!
I told you that this blog could get random.
It wasnt real snow, didnt settle and wasnt anything to look at.

Fitness: Anyone wanting cheap exercise in Bristol, go run up Park Street. Beets going to the gym any day. Had to do it today to get to the hospital. Good job there are plenty of Cafe's up the top.

Gotta get ready for work now, boo hoo.

2 Days to go.

2006-02-22T16:32:00.000Z

On Friday (24th) its my birthday, yay. Thought that I would just get that off my chest.
Its also the day of our VI Form Ball, where we can all go and get very drunk in a posh place.

However that is then, and this is now. I've just had a text from the lovely people at work asking me if I can come in tonight and work an extra 5 hours because someone is sick. Normally I am the kind tolerant person who would gladly step in to aid my fellow workers, however tonight its hard cheese for them!

If you have read the earlier blog about my work you will already know that due to an administrative error I now have to work this weekend. Which means that my plans for my birthday weekend are now spread over a week where I've had to rearrange them. Tough for them.

So tonight I'm off to go and have some fun, bowling and fine-ish eating at some of our local establishments. Preferably where they don't check id's.
I have high hopes too that I may come away with a victory in the bowling too, I may not be accurate, but I can certainly put some welly behind the ball.

Additional:
I came second both times with the bowling. However while at the restaurant the bastards made them play happy birthday over the PA. I hate them all sooo much.

You can only finish it once.

2006-02-21T13:02:00.000Z

It would seem to me that it would only be possible to finish anything once. That was until a particularly large essay had to be handed in. Proudly, and tiredly I went to hand it in, all 3 million pages. In old money, that is around half the New Forest.
So imagine my indignity when I was given it back two weeks later, with the other half of the New Forest stuck to it in the form of post-its.
To cut a long story short, it has now taken me around a month to finish it completely. And I’m sick of the sight of it.

It did however get me thinking, dangerous I know, about what else you can only really finish/do once.

1. The most obvious is your own life. That really is a wee bit terminal.
2. Secondly, being born. You can only finish that once too, no climbing back in.
3. Killing someone else, well if you can only die once, its seems fair that the rule should stick to everyone else too.
4. Become old. Judging by observations of some women around the place, once is enough for anybody.
5. Have a squint operation on one eye.
6. Win the lottery jackpot. No one has ever won twice.

As you can tell, doing all this work has made my brain hurt. So im off to caffine myself up and then bounce off the walls.

Cheerio

Nowt as queer as folk

2006-02-20T21:46:00.000Z

It could be said that when it comes down to it, people are stupid. A person is a smart intelligent being with rational thought. People are dumb, senseless animals. However this isn't always the case.
For example at work today we have collated all stupid requests/complaints and chosen some of the best.

"Please move the tea and coffee facilities closer so that our guest's dont have to go as far." What this doesn't mention is that the coffee facilities were only 30 yds away, but they were down 6 stairs and through an open door. And by facilities they wanted us to move the coffee machines that happen to be plumbed into the wall.

"We cant open the fridge." Simple answer, try turning the handle. What was worse was that they were an engineering team.

"The headboard suddenly jumped off the bed in the middle of the night" She was the only occupant in the room, and the headboard was sound before she entered the room.

"A glass has managed to jump out of the bath and break itself all over the bathroom floor." Enough said.

"I thought I would steam all my clothes" Seems innocent enough, but at 3 AM under a fire sensor!!! Needless to say this guest wasn't popular with the other people in her party.

"I'm so excited to be here! This is the Solent Hotel isn't it?" Only 130 miles out love.

"I'm here for the Smith wedding" That was yesterday sir.

"I'm here for the conferance, am I too early to check in? The name is Smith." Two days too early sir.

"I'm running late for my flight, please tell me I'm near Heathrow." Welcome to Bristol, how may we help you?

And now for my personal favourite. "Can you turn the noise of the ducks down outside my bedroom window?" Um.... theyr'e real ducks madam.

I don't want frills, but I resent not having the option. Or why I hate Easyjet so so much.

2006-02-19T17:15:00.000Z

Through out any given year it is a good approximation that I will be airborne at least a dozen times. I have only ever used Easyjet twice; the second time was a case of needs must. There are many things I hate about this breed of no cost-not answerable airline, below are just a few of the best reasons to avoid them.

1. What you see is never what you get. Fantastic prices are always given on their website; however they 'forget' to include the return cost, the price of taxes, when this price is available etc. Therefore to get their fantastic low price, you have to travel at 4:30 am, into an airport miles from your destination and only if you return within the next 3 hours.

2. "Belfast! That's 20 miles that way!" In order to maintain these fantastically low prices you have to fly to some godforsaken airport miles away from your destination. Take Belfast International and Prestwick for prime examples. Around £10 to get into the centre of towns.

3. "To save you money we operate a free seating policy" How does not printing up to three characters save money? 21D oh that's 0.000002p saved! And to think they pass on all that saving on to you. The result is a scrum for the aircraft, usually with business men leading the charge like the opening of the 6 nations. I know they ask for families with young children and old people first, but how does the other 60 members of their party suit this? So you end up with no window seats, and being forced to sit next to the little bastard who's been screaming for the last two hours.

4.Have some cheesy nibbles, now with real artificial cheese! So you have taken the plunge, sold your soul for a non transferable, non refundable and non-guaranteed paperless ticket. You accept that the airline owns your baggage should it go missing and that they will not give you a complimentary drink. You know all this; you just want to get from point A to point B, preferably in one piece. However you have to endure (insert flight duration here) of sales pitch either telling you to; rebook another flight as soon as you land, buy lottery tickets with 0.1% going to charity, book a rental car or just buy some crap cosmetics to keep the cabin crew happy.

5.Final reason for now, the planes are just appalling. We are talking about overworked, under maintained fleets of (usually) Boeing 737 sardine cans. They really know how to pack you into these things, with little thought for comfort. Last flight I had with Easyjet felt like it had straw in the seat padding. The leg room is totally non existent so that your legs are buried under your bum somewhere. And they are that close together you get to breathe whatever your new neighbour had to eat for lunch.

A easy answer to all of these problems could simply be, don't fly. However for the more practicable amongst us I suggest British Airways, or my new found friends at Eastern Airways. I'm not easily won over, but EA planes are small and cosy with character, the service is fantastic - they still give sweets out on take off and landing, and free champagne is included from the complimentary bar.

And if you still don't believe me, get a copy of Channel 4's Dispatches programme on Ryanair. They are if its possible worse than Easyjet, but not by much.

Its good to try, but not more than 40%

2006-02-18T20:12:00.000Z

"Its good to try, but not more than 40%" Possibly not what the university professor wanted to hear out of his students when asked; "how hard do you have to work here?" luckily he wasn't in the room at the time.

For those not in the know... So I suppose all of you, I've just returned from a day at Plymouth university for one of their 'course specific' open days. It was all rather good, especially as they decided to feed us before even finding out why we were there. It started off with a brief talk from the head of department (business school), followed by talks and tours from various other members of staff/pupils. Sorry Student ambassador's. Culminating in coffee and cake at the very end. Fantastic.

So after leaving home at 9am we hadn't really planned what's for tea. We decided by a vote of 2:1 that it was going to be a Indian, a rare treat indeed in the BT household. Unfortunately the staff at this eatery had possibly been listening to the talks that I had, because they were certainly not giving 100%. I wont bore you with the details, but needless to say that we aren't going there again, and after all the extra running around they had to do because of their mistakes, I doubt we would be welcome either. We got home around 8pm, so after 11 hours on the go, with 4 of them in a car we are all pretty tired.

One thought did strike me though as I fish around for ways of closing; for those of you who know the M5 near Weston-Super-Mare, next time you pass in darkness look out towards the hills and see whether you agree that Bristol Airport's runway is scarilly close to the edge. I swear I could see someone on a plane thinking the same thing.

My Work: From Incompetence to Incontinence and all in between.

2006-02-17T22:10:00.000Z

Well here we go, post two of... Well.... Two I suppose.
Anyway, I've just returned from work tired and grouchy as usual. Therefore putting me in the perfect mood to sit down and complain about it all. Lucky you.

It started off all rather well, first of all the complete b'tard of a Duty Manager wasn't in, which always lifts some of the dread that surrounds the entire building. The second good thing was that my Assistant Manager was handing over to me, meaning that generally most things hadn't gone to hell and biscuits. Lastly there wasn't a huge amount for me to do and so I should be leaving early. All in all it sounds rather good doesn't it.?

Unfortunately he then asks me to check the rota for next week to see whether it was ok. Instantly my face fell.
Me: What happened to me getting the weekend off?
AM: Um oh yeah... I.... Um forgot.
Me: Well that's ok because you haven't told anyone else yet have you? It was only done today.
AM: Ah well no, this was done yesterday, and everyone else has the weekend off.
Me: What about my birthday, how can I go and get fuzzy headed (at other peoples expense) now?
AM: Ah... Sorry well its not too much bother is it, you can do it some other time.
Me: You just be damn thankful I'm a nice person

NOT MUCH BOTHER? I ASK FOR ONE WEEKEND OFF A YEAR AND THEY FORGET, WHY WOULDN'T IT BE MUCH BOTHER!!!???

Anyway, as you may be able to tell I was in no mood to be messed around, which would explain why AM left promptly afterwards. So one setback, but the rest of the night should be good yes?

So feeling a little better once I had gone out to the compactor and crushed a few pallets (I'll explain some other time) I headed off to work. Halfway along one of the many many corridors pushing a trolley laden with assorted glassware, out of the blue comes a running screaming child. Who promptly runs smack into said trolley and falls over backwards. Cue livid mother wanting to know about why her child was now on its back screaming. Sometimes I do have to consider whether its worth speaking to these people, they never seem to listen to what you have to say. So after considerable squabbling and frantic hugging *the baby not me* she walks off.

I enter one of the rooms that I'm servicing and find its in a shockingly tidy state. This is unheard of, business clients usually treat the place like a zoo, not a hotel. However today it was spotless with all dirties to one side and all the chairs stacked. Promptly I look around and see a short, friendly looking face in one of the doorways, she's smiling and says "did I do ok?"
It took me a while to realize that she was in one of our housekeeping uniforms, and that she was actually speaking to me. But once my senses had regained from the shock she explained to me that she had done this to all the rooms. Thanking her profusely I went back to my work with gusto.

So its true what the Mint people say, for every dumb thing that happens, something smart will happen else where. Its just rare for it to happen in the same building. Incidentally I still haven't found out the name of the kind housekeeper, but I did get out of work 90 mins early. Yay.

So here's to you anonymous lady, may you keep our department happy forever.

Oh and as for the incontinence bit, lets just say we have our share of drunken guests too.

Definitely the first, hopefully not the last.

2006-02-16T16:48:00.000Z

Well here we go... One tentative step at a time into the unknown world of blogging. I have to admit I've never been more conscious about playing with the big boys/girls/people. Please mentally delete any that you disagree with. My nervousness probably extends from the fact that the only other blogger I know personally is an Oxford graduate, who could put the dictionary people to shame.

Anyway seeing that I've actually managed to bluff my way through my first paragraph, continuing may not be such a bad idea. So who am I?

I'm whatever you want me to be, only probably less exciting.
I'm just about to set off to Uni, I probably don't have as much money as I should by now, so looks like student life will suit me.
I'm very rarely at home, not that I dislike my parents, its just that I'm allergic to the house (or that's what I tell them.)
I have friends all over the place, not just a bus ride from home either; many choose to live as far from me as possible. Current standing is 6 in Scotland, 4 in the South, and many nearer home who just cant be bothered.
I have an infinity with traveling. (See above for a reason why)
I have one brother, who is currently serving with the army and for some reason is currently in Norway attacking glaciers.
I'm allergic to many forms of animal, however none when cooked.
I'm a total carnivore, however have never been heard to pass off free vegetables.
I'm incredibly hard to get drunk, the money usually runs out before I'm on the floor
I'm running out of ideas

So there's a start for you, there's probably more to tell but none of it really interesting. Hopefully you are still awake after reading this, which implies that you haven't been too bored. Either that or you are that bored and are willing to read anything.
And to those of you who have gone to the land of nod... I don't know why I bother... So I may as well stop.